darling

Restless Nights.

Day one. It's cold, the nights suck, I can't sleep. I'm scared that something is going to happen.

Day two. I miss my family. I want them back.

Day three. I needed food, so I went to the Dollar Store and grabbed some ramen and asked if I could use their microwave. They were so kind and they told me I can anytime.

Day four. There was an awful blizzard today. I think I could have frostbite.

Day five. Day six. Day seven. The days are starting to merge together. It's too cold to use my phone.

Day eight. I decided I can't take the cold anymore and I got myself a hotel room for 3 days. I just needed some hot air.

Day nine. I had a wonderful breakfast today and I got to watch some TV! I think I'm going to start looking for a job, I am going to need more money sooner than later.

Day ten. Today is Christmas. Yay. I'm so excited to spend it with my family. Sometimes I do forget and I can't just call them and tell them I miss them.

Day eleven. Today is the day I have to leave the hotel. I am not excited to go into the cold again.

Day twelve is where it all went downhill. I was thinking about how much I miss everyone and I just don't know how I am going to survive. It's getting colder and colder. I just can't take it anymore. I need to relieve some stress. But how? I quickly look in my bag and see something. Something sharp.

!TW: SELF HARM AND SUICIDAL THOUGHTS!

I quickly grabbed the knife I got to defend myself from strangers.

The tears rolling down my face, unable to see clearly.

Why me? Why me? I just want them back. I need them.

I couldn't see what I was cutting but all I saw was red and felt was pain.

I miss them. I need them.

I felt burning. That's all I felt. I felt like I was on fire.

I get this feeling to end it all. Why should I be here anymore? I don't deserve to live anymore. Why am I still here?

But I don't want to die.

What if things get better?
What if I get happier?
What if they accept me again?
What if they love me again?

I threw the knife on the floor. Why? Why did I do this? It's not going to get me home? It's not going to help my family come back? It's not going to make them love me again? Did they ever love me? I look at the knife again contemplating if I should do it one more time for that one mistake. For that one last friendship I messed up.

I look over to the left and I see my phone. Kate. I want Kate. I need Kate. I need to tell her. Maybe she will help me understand what I did. Wait! It's December! It's so cold out. I don't have school for 2 weeks. I won't have food at all. I have to sleep in the bitter cold.

I walk outside and I feel the cold breeze hit my face. My tears freeze in the moment. I can't handle this. Why me? What did I do? I just want to feel love? I want to love, love who I want.

!TW OVER!

I pick up my phone and call Kate. I just don't know how she will react. What if she hates me for it? What if she leaves me because of my parents? What if she doesn't love me either anymore? What if-

"Hey darling, what's up?"

All of my worries and anxiety left for that one second. That one second she talked to me, all of my worries left my body.

"Ca-Can you pic-pick me up?"

I heard Kate gasp, it was faint but I heard it.

"Yes of course, is something wrong?"

"I'll tell you in the car. I-I'm by the Dollar store o-on the edge of to-town. I need som- somewhere to sleep."

"That is 45 minutes away, how did you end up there?"

"Can y-you come?"

"Yes yes, I am on my way right now, I'll see you then? Bye I love yo-"

I hung up. She sounded hurt. Does she already know about what happened?

I decided to go in the Dollar Store and just pretend to look around while Kate was on her way. After looking around for what felt like forever I finally hear my phone buzz.

My heart dropped. I don't know what she is going to say when she sees me. What will I say when I see her?

I grabbed my phone and looked down. A message from Cameron. Why is she texting me now?

~~~~~

Favorite sister:)

Today at 4:58PM

Are you ok?
Read at 4:58PM

~~~~~

I decided to ignore it. I need to rebuild my whole life now and I don't need my sister to try and help. I don't need her help.

Another message. Oh my gosh Cameron leave me alone please. I look down at my phone. Not from Cameron but from Kate. She's here.