~Venting/Rants~

10-25-21

So yesterday after I got home I ended up having a breakdown on and off yesterday for a few hours, I probably cried for like two hours though. 1. I feel so happy around him and talking with him and flirting with him and stuff and I feel like I don't deserve it. He makes me so happy, and I smile and laugh so much but because I've put myself down almost my whole life I feel like I don't deserve him and that I don't deserve to be this happy. And two of my friends are saying that I deserve better and that they don't like him, its not his fault. He hasn't made me feel like this, I have. That's not because of him, that's because of being bullied growing up and having lose self-esteem pretty much my whole life. 2. Yesterday in the library during 3rd my friend said we should just stop acting like we're dating, and date already. Then they apologized and he forgave them. My younger cousin Jacob is also friends with Matthew and he told me about a week ago when I asked if Matthew was dating anyone, that Matthew doesn't like dating. So I asked what they were talking about and they wouldn't tell me. And I asked if I could know and they both said no, and it hurt. He'll flirt with me over text, call me nicknames, and joke about it, but he hardly talks to me in person, won't tell me stuff but will tell one of my bestfriends. Like it hurts. It seems like it was traumatic, but he'll tell me about other traumatic stuff, and I've told him stuff that's traumatic, but it seems like he trusts my bestfriend more. He'll flirt and call me stuff like babe, baby, darling, love, etc, but won't open up to me. He'll open up to my bestfriend though. It hurts. He doesn't have to tell me, it just feels like he doesn't trust me and that he trusts my bestfriend more. I always feel like I mean nothing to him. He hangs out with my bestfriend more, they talk more, they sit together more, like it hurts. And I feel like a 2nd option as well. He started liking me a bit after the girl he liked, Juel, started dating someone else. He doesn't like dating so that wouldn't work out for him either. It just hurts. I feel like he doesn't trust me and that he trusts my bestfriend more, and that I'm just a second option for him. I could try to stop liking him, and I could try to find someone else and like them, and date them, but the only person I want to be with is him. I don't wanna like anyone else, I don't wanna flirt with anyone else, I only want him. But that can't happen. He doesn't like dating. Which is understandable, dating can end badly and if he has trauma with it, that makes sense. I just wish he'd tell me why. I'll never tell him that I feel like this because I don't want him to feel guilty, but it does hurt.