How The Heartaches Come And They Go

Chapter 25

When Marieke woke up, she could  hear voices down the hallway. Frida. Marieke buried her face under the covers. She wanted to get up and walk into Frida's arms, sink into them and forget everything except for their embrace. But Marieke couldn't move, she felt heavy, paralyzed. All of the time she spend thinking and crying the night before was for nothing, she still didn't know what to do. Then she could hear Frida walking down the hallway. Marieke wanted to jump up, but when she saw Frida stopping in front of the slightly opened door, she froze again. From under the covers Marieke could see Frida's long and delicated fingers touching the door knob.
"Open it. Open it. Open it.", was all Marieke could think. But Frida didn't open the door. She sighed heavily and went on down the stairs. Marieke sank even deeper under her covers. All she wanted to do was cry and hide.
Marieke hadn't even noticed that Agnetha entered the room.
"Marieke? Is everything alright?" Marieke used the bedsheet to dry of her tears before popping her head out from under the covers.
"Oh, yes. Yes, I'm sorry, I overslept. But, hey, you're up! Are you feeling better?" Agnetha noticed how red Marieke's eyes were, as she sat down on the side of the bed.
"Yes, think the fever is almost gone. Are you sure you're alright? You look tired."
"Yeah, I just didn't sleep that well.", Marieke tried to play it down. She was tempted to tell Agnetha what was on her mind, but she stopped herself.
"Frida was here just now. She came to apologize." Marieke smiled up at Agnetha, still somewhat buried in her sheets.
"See, I told you, everything would be alright." Marieke stroked Agnetha's arm.
"Is she still here?"
"No, she left a couple of minutes ago." Marieke thought of Frida reaching for the door knob again. Why had she not just opened the door? Why was it Marieke who had to decide?
"Marieke?"
"Yes?"
"I understand that you might not want to tell me, but I'm very grateful for what you did for me yesterday. I just want you to know that you can talk to me too, but you don't have to, I can also just try to take your mind of things." Marieke was quiet for a few seconds before replying:
"That would be very nice actually."
"Can you scooch over a little?" After Marieke made room for her, Agnetha rested her back against the headboard and propped her legs up on the bed.
"So what wpuld you like to do?", Agnetha stretched her arms and rested them on the headboard.
"Are you sure you're up to do something already?"
"I mean, if you wanted to run a marathon I wouldn't necessarily say yes.", laughing made Agnetha cough again.
"I was thinking more along the lines of pancakes for breakfast." Marieke wiped her bangs out of her face and looked up at Agnetha.
"I bought some blueberries yesterday."
"Well, that's settled then." Agnetha was about to get up again, when Marieke asked:
"Agnetha?"
"Yes?" Marieke took a deep breath:
"Do you mind if I ask you something first?" She couldn't stop her thoughts from circling.
"Of course! What do you want to know?"
"Remember what you told me about you and Frida yesterday?" Agnetha nodded.
"How did you know you wanted to be with her?" The question caught Agnetha by surprise. For a split second she thought Marieke might have overheard Frida and her just now. But what had there even been to overhear? Enough to give Agnetha hope at least.
"Do you mean what it felt like? The love?" Marieke nodded.
"At first I didn't know that's what it was. I loved her like a best friend. I always want her close, share everything with her. It's what you feel for a friend. Plus I had Björn and I love him just as much. But I noticed it's a different kind of love, it's safety and security. With Frida it's excitement, adventure and an explosion of emotions. Does that make sense?" Marieke nodded again. Excitement and adventure, that was what she felt too. Only she didn't have any other love to compare it to.
"Did you ver feel guilty? For hiding it from Björn?" Agnetha sighed.
"You don't have to tell me if you don't want to."
"No, no it's alright. I felt guilty everyday and I still do, but what I had with Frida, all that happiness made it worth it. I had her close, I could share everything with her, all the excitement and adventure."
"Did it ever faze you, that you were in love with another woman?"
"Only when I realized it was love. After our first kiss, I freaked out a little. I had heard of women loving another this way, but I never thought I would. But it's love, what could be wrong about love." Marieke started tearing up. She didn't know it, but deep down that was something she had needed to hear. Not that it made her decision any easier, but it made her feel less alone, less lonely. Still laying in bed she hugged Agnetha by the waist. A little taken by surprise Agnetha put her arms around Marieke's shoulders. For a while they remained in this silent embrace.
"I don't know if you ever experienced  something like this before, but don't ever feel disgusted or embarassed or bad, because you love someone. Love is a beautiful thing." Agnetha kissed Marieke on the head.
"Thank you.", Marieke replied still nussled into Agnetha's dressing gown. Agnetha kept petting her head:
"How about some blueberry pancakes now?"