if by chance | ✓

29 | daddy issues

[ 29 ]

R H Y S

✦

I couldn't somehow get the awful clenching off of my chest. I felt numb. So numb that my feet were cold like icicles even though I was sitting right next to the room heater. Through the sliver of glass window I could see behind the thick brown curtains, the light of dawn has begun to color the night sky. The moon was still there, gradually fading away to make way for the sun. For a brand new day.

Lifting myself up from the exact same position I had been lying down on the couch, I struggle to reach the Hydroflask resting on the nightstand. I hadn't gotten a wink of sleep since the day I discovered the truth about my father. The insomnia I had been successful in hiding for so long was beginning to show up ─ physically. The dark circles, the disheveled mess of hair, the stubble I hadn't had enough energy to shave for weeks. And it terrified me every single time I stepped out on the street to run an errand. Usually, Ma would raise suspicion but we weren't even on talking terms now and no matter how many times I would want to have a heart to heart with her, I couldn't get myself to do so. Maybe its the trauma, maybe its the fear that if I do talk, I'd be fed with more lies ─ just like I had been all my life.

I couldn't even afford the luxury to talk to my best friend.

Although Eugene was coming back home from the hospital in about an hour or so, I knew it would be completely insensitive to bother him with my personal issues, especially when all he needed right now was a stress free brain. I would tell him later, but at the moment ─ I had absolutely no one to talk to. There was Coraline, but I am starting to believe she hates me, for real this time. 

It felt like things between us ended even before they got the chance to unfold. We were back to square one, strangers who used to kiss and don't really know what to do now with the all the feelings.

Gulping down almost the entire bottle of water, I shake my head in an attempt to ward off intruding thoughts of the green eyed girl. As if that would work. The digital wall clock read 05:59 am, which meant my mother was up and about in the kitchen, probably making her classic black coffee without sugar. If I went down now, I would possibly get the only chance in the entire day ahead, to get her to talk. Or get myself to talk to her, for that matter.

I take in three deep breaths, enough to steady myself after the long hours of staring blankly at the ceiling fan and its monotonous movements along a circle. Somehow I manage to take a shower too, and surprisingly ─ manage to shave my stubble as well because at this point, going out in public like that would be downright embarrassing.

About fifteen minutes later, I am leaning against the rosewood kitchen door, watching Ma swirl the coffee mug under fast running water completely unaware of my presence. She flinches to see me when she turns back, pain flashing in those beautiful hazel eyes I had been fortunate enough to inherit.