How to get тнroυgн тнe darĸ- When there isn't any light.

we all have our reasons.

Authors note- hello beautiful!!
Thank you v much for reading and also: very very long (horrible) time no see!
I missed you all.
Here's what you need to know:
For the current chapter- I skipped a few days :((( I'm v sorry but idk I was struggling and felt it dragging on. So here, I skipped to about a day and a half until brooke has to go back to college.
!! Harry and brooke have been having a lot of trouble relationship-wise. These last few days have been rough. Constant bickering and Harry's been dead tired from concerts and saying hello to fans and plannings. All 5 are a bit beat up and Harry has been taking his depressants again- hoping they'd stop any incidents from happening during tour.
Now, it's about 9pm, Washington time (not london) and they're still at the hotel. !!
Thank you.Xx

we all have our reasons.
️harrys point of view.
"We could just sit here and cuddle and drink tea all day." She tells me.
"Yeah maybe.. That would be cool, I wanna talk to you anyways" I answer.
"Mm, yeah" she agrees, mid-thought, "I could talk to you about a few things"
I nod and look away.
"Harry, why are you sad?" She asks me sounding childish.
"I'm not." I reply too quickly.
"But obviously you are" she hints, glancing at my wrists, "you don't tell me much, do you? But I guess you don't tell a lot of people a lot of things...so I respect that." She says broadly, "I won't ask what isn't necessary".
"That's fair" I shrug.
"So, maybe I could start up the Keurig, and we could talk a bit" she says, smiling.
I lean in and kiss her lips quickly and after she gets up to grab the hotel's mugs and such.
"So, you're not sad. Do you ever just..get, tired then? Are, are you depressed? Or is there something I'm missing? You can tell me everything, love you" she adds, yelling from the small corner-kitchen.
I breathe in, immediately feeling anxious and sad. I allow myself to once again tell her everything.
"I hate the feeling when you really don't have any emotion. You feel so empty. You aren't happy...or necessarily sad..
You're nothing.
When your mind is spinning, but you can't feel anything.
I can't deal with this. I'm not strong enough and I'm tired of pretending I am.
I, I mean at this rate I'm gonna end up alone"
She's quiet for a moment. My head feels like a pounding drum and my chest is tight. I wanna lay down for a little bit.
I don't wanna cry again.
"H-harry that's not-"
"No. Brooke. I, should have known better" I let a small laugh escape my lips.
I rip my sleeves up and keep them folded and bunched at my elbows.
"I hate this. I hate seeing this. And at the same time.. I can't stop" I finish.
She begins:
"Okay, well, it's my turn to talk for once:
I'm not good at much..but I will be good to you. Hearing something that kills you and having to act like you don't care, is far far worst then anything I can think of.
I'm not saying you haven't felt this way too, but..
Nothing I can say is going to sway you to suddenly love yourself and immediately never want, or need to hurt yourself again. You don't even understand what it's like to finally have you.
I can honestly say my biggest fear is losing you; whether it's to another girl, or an illness, a stride of sudden courage, something stupid, or... This."
She says, walking over, plopping herself beside me once more and grabbing my wrist.
"I know I'm gonna lose you and maybe I'm okay with that because all I've ever wanted was for you was to be happy and you're not- at least from what I can see. Sometimes I thought I made it better but I didn't! I can't and I haven't and it fucking tears me up inside knowing that I swore since the seventh grade that if you were ever hurt in any way I'd be the first one to do whatever you needed; now I have the chance and nothing's working!"
She breathes for a moment, then continues more calmly this time.
"I want to be there for you.
I want to kiss you,
But only in the most connotative way possible.
So that no dictionary definition would stand a chance as to describe how your lungs could be filled with the sweetest air possible and yet you would still be so breathless.
Like you do for me.
And even if you leave me in ruins, I still hope you're happy because after all that's what I've ever wanted you to be.. Maybe alone we'd be happier."
She looks angry. She isn't crying but she looks sad. She looks like she's held that in for a while.
I take a deep breath and reply:
"I..hate myself..and you or anybody else telling me I'm beautiful or whatever the hell else doesn't change my perspective. I still feel worthless sometimes. I still see fat. I still want to stop cutting but I, I've just tried so hard and it never matters.
And that's why I'm gonna lose you, too.
I want to show you how much you meant to me all this time and I remember thinking how I wanted to kiss you in places no one has ever kissed you before and I still do want you to tell me about your life and the things that make you happy but half the time I'm fucking a million miles away from you and no matter how much or how long we call each other it's never going to mask the thought of us never physically touching and I just want you to know that after you leave, and I won't see you for the next, almost a full year...that even that far apart you mean everything to me and I'm sorry I don't always show it but I want you to know how I feel and I know you want to ask all the time but don't and half the time I don't wanna open my mouth because when I do and I finish I just feel stupid and pathetic. It's like I want you to know but I don't want to tell you. I push you away only because you're already so far away from me..
I don't know maybe you're right.. We would be happier alone. It's not like we've necessarily made anything harder for the other person, but I just.. Can't help thinking that you're what I want but babe there's a million fish in the sea who would be better for you"
"That's not it, you know it! I don't fucking care about fish I want to know the truth" she says, her voice raising.
"I never said we'd be happier alone. I meant-"
"Brooke let me finish"
"NO. Harry, I just poured my heart out to you and now you're saying we're done. What the hell?? I thought we were what you wanted? I thought you loved me.." She says becoming instantly sullen.
She changed her mood so quickly. She reminds me of an old time movie screen, clicking from each scene and going black and white with fuzziness around it yet to them(people from that time) it was so clear.
I thought what I wanted was very clear.
I don't tell her that.
"I L-" I start to say, she interrupts.
"STOP. you don't have to lie to me.. I saw in the magazine that other girl".
"She liked me. Okay?? But I don't know, I don't think I was feeling-"
"You don't think!? You aren't completely sure???" She asks, eyebrows furrowed.
"I lov-"
"I LOVE YOU DOESNT MEAN A DAMN THING IF YOU SPIT IT DOWN THE THROAT OF EVERY GIRL THAT MAKES YOU FEEL LESS DEAD"
I stare at her, astounded that she'd even say that to my fucking face.
"Where the hell did that come from!??!"
The door opens and suddenly louis is there smiling and beginning to yell something about looking for us and then he just stops.
He loses his grip and drops his Nike bag to the ground, almost letting his phone slide with it. For a minute I'm confused and then,
I look down at my wrists.
🌘🌘🌘🌘🌘🌘🌘🌘