How to get тнroυgн тнe darĸ- When there isn't any light.

To Clear My Head

Chapter 35:
Exactly 8 weeks, and two days after Brooke and Harry split.
Brooke's pov:
As I crossed another day off my calendar, I reminded myself the forever going on number of seconds, minutes, days, hours, whatever-
didn't matter.
I still thought about him, every single day. I tried my hardest to forget, but you don't just stop wanting someone knowing there's a chance he might want you. Maybe I was crazy to think he missed me. Maybe not. He said he didn't love me and at that point I still cared, but I put on my mask and left. Surely with all the things happening he shouldn't be as okay as the papers showed.
But that wasn't my business anymore.
I grabbed my ear phones and headed downstairs. The café always had fresh fruit, and I didn't exactly have anything planned.
Stupidly enough, I'd skipped maybe, five classes in the last month. Not a huge deal, but they clearly didn't miss me and it got to me that my education probably would miss the extra time and things I'd have to know.
Speaking of the topic, I thought of my mom. Then, knowing we never really did get a long, and what she'd say to my negligence lately, I stopped thought completely.
On my way out the door I nodded at Dylan, another person I cut connections with since then.
I slid in my car, wearing my newly boughten pink yoga pants that I probably didn't have the money for to start with, and grabbed a few dollars out of the compartment.
Knowing I
A: might've needed the exercise and the extra gas I would've been wasting,
And B: missing a car ride wouldn't kill me. I liked walking. I liked fresh air and having time to think.
Knowingly, if I had asked Emma to come, I'd be even happier. I got too much time alone lately, but it didn't completely bother me. Plus I would've had to pull her from whatever she was currently "finishing in the library".
If I could just walk to get fruit around the corner, and wherever else my feet took me, I usually could end up more focused, fed, and happier. That being if I would've been allowed to do so:
I just wanted to go for a walk..they always calm me down and clear my head.
But no.
In London.
Hundreds of One Direction fans are crowding me screaming things at me.
Some are mad.. Some want me dead..
Every fiber of my body was pushing down the fact that I basically wanted to be dead. I wasn't going to go get stupid, but sometimes I wish I was never born. Ya know?
One girl in particular caught my eye.
Well, her shirt did.
It was a cartoon picture of Zayn holding bags and watching the remaining members of one direction on stage from a far.
"Excuse me, Ms.?"
She turns, realizes it was me, and shrieks loud enough to burst my ears.
"Yeah..hi.. So um, what's going on with One Direction? Are the rumors true?"
"Zayn left" she gripes, holding on to my hand and pulling me forcefully. She must've been...maybe 14? She looked very young to me, maybe younger.
"What the hell?"
She continues on, I ask her twice to please let me ago and she completely ignores my pleas. We now have a group of girls pushing and shoving to get to me and even to get me to go with her.
"Little girl! I can't go home with you!!"
She turns and stops me dead in my tracks. She squints at me and tells me "I wouldn't want to see you after what you did, that man is a saint".
I laugh, not understanding the direct reference and assuming she was a crazy 110 pound teen who I could've easily taken at the age of junior high years.
Another girl gives me a dirty look, while her sister smiles brightly and waves.
"Hello" I smile, getting distracted at the 'angry mob' hurdled around me.
"Hey, Where are we going??" I press.
She says nothing and whispers to another girl.
They're all in on some little cult or something and clearly my last words will be spoken to someone in pigtails and sketcher sneakers....
"THERE HE IS" someone screams, pointing to a coffee shop across the street.
A few of them let go of me and wrongfully trust that I'll follow.
"You're gonna get us killed!" I say, at a standstill.
"Please?" The girl with the Zayn shirt pleads, her eyes softening almost on command.
I figure I'm not going to get my peaceful walk now, so, defeated, I follow.
They all stop, jumping up and down in front of the shop and screaming things along the lines of "OH MY GOD!! WE DID SO GOOD, RIGHT!?" And "THIS IS IT".
And then I see it..him, actually.
A tall somewhat slender man is turned from the window, facing the counter.
I may have even scanned over him, had I not seen the gold boots.
"I can't go in there" I whisper, still being heard by practically everyone.
Harry turns, making direct eye contact.
"Oh...dammit."
"SHE MADE A SWEAR" the small child from before says, pulling on the hem of her big sister's shirt.
"Yeah, Abigail, shut up" she answers, rolling her eyes and picking the girl up.
"Where are your mothers??" I ask, dreading going in already.
"Doesn't matter. Go!!" I get pushed into the door, pausing.
He stands in the middle of the shop, being passed by many, and mouths "are you coming??".
I try to exhale smoothly and walk in to the very pretty shop with their delicate customers and light laughs echoing.
It's like hell.. But with coffee...
☕️☕️☕️☕️
"Hey" he half whispers.
I just nod, letting my gaze fall from his face and to the ground, he breaks the silence again.
"Do you wanna go somewhere more private?"
He nods at the window, and about fifty girls are pressing their hands against the glass, fully aware that the door is functional.
I laugh, he cracks a smile- for the first time that day, and my chest aches.
"Do you want a coffee? Sorry if I would've known I could have gotten you your iced caramel macchiato," he says knowing exactly what I like.
I nod, and he follows me up to the counter.
"So, do you just have children to do your dirty work for you?" I laugh, elbowing him and remembering how easy it used to be to talk to him. Now it feels forced.
"No, I, uh," he smiles, fixing his hair and continuing, "I did come here on business but then I thought we should talk..and they took it into their own hands, thankfully. I wouldn't have been able to call you".
He laughs. But I don't.
They hand me my medium drink and he sticks cash out.
"No, Harry, I-"
"Its fine I wanted to talk anyway it's the least I can do for them bringing you here".
He turns to the window, and turns back to hand the lady a hundred dollar bill.
"Hand some donuts or cake pops or something out to the girls"
He nods and grins, turning after and knowing I'll follow.
"Can we go to your dorm? I'm sorry I hadn't really even thought you'd wanna talk..let alone-"
I interrupt him.
"You don't ever have to..be afraid to call me, or something. That's stupid" I answer lightly.
He smiles sadly, I don't blame him. I would probably be scared to call me to. I haven't been so.....lovely, lately.
We reach the end of the crowd, he offers to call a taxi, but I say we can just walk.. So we do.
We walk maybe, a block before he starts talking.
"So.. I guess you've heard about the band.."
"Yeah, um, Zayn's leaving, huh? Why? Are you guys okay?"
I immediately start thinking about the day Louis walked in on Harry with his sleeves pulled up. I push the unwanted thoughts back in fear of passing out.. I'm already kinda dizzy from and about this whole thing.
He shrugs, "yeah... I guess he's wanted to leave for a bit now.. He's happier so that's good.. It just kinda sucks for the remaining of us"
I nod, wondering if they fought, Anne that was the final decision; If Zayn left on the day I did.
"How are the other lads?"
"What? Oh, good I guess? Can we talk about us for a minute." He says, exasperated.
"No, not yet".
"It's been two months Brooke, when the hell are we?"
"Five minutes. Please?"
He complies and we start walking up the college's front steps.
"Are you and Louis good?"
"Yess" he says, prolonging his words, clearly irritated.
"And he knows now.."
He nods, swallowing hard.
"Are, they okay with it? I mean did they try and-"
"You know that's not really any of your business now, is it?!" He snaps, looking at me directly.
This time my eyes shy away.
"Harry," my voice turns soft, "I haven't said two words to you since I left you crying on the bed with Louis screaming."
"He wasn't screaming. And even if he was he had every right!!"
"Why are you defending him?? You're the one who didn't trust him to know in the first place?!" I answer, avoiding eye contact as I enter the dorm room.
"Yeah well I trusted you and look where it got me!!!"
Emma looks up from her magazine and says "heeeeey" but stops when Harry walks in behind me.
"We need a moment." I heard my own voice speak brusquely.
I should've known she wouldn't be at the library.
She quickly leaves, in nothing but bare feet and clutching her magazine.
As soon as she leaves I regret kicking her out. I'm almost guilty.
I sit on the bed and Harry sits on Emma's, facing me.
"Can we please not fight. I haven't seen you in...a long time considering we saw each other every second of the day a few months ago" I ask politely, closing my eyes for a moment in the dim room. The shades are closed, and I can't bring myself to let them open.
He doesn't reply.
"You wanted it like that."
"No, I didn't. I was just fed up with fighting and trying so hard and having to watch what I said to you. This knife thing..."
I cut myself short before I fuck everything up again.
I would've continued on to say "killed us".....
But it did.
He puts his head in his hands.
"No. Oh my god, don't- ....Harry I'm so fucking sorry".
I robotically climb off the bed and onto the ground. I kneel and pull his hands away from his face. He won't look at me, and I reach out and hug him.
He grips me strong and just breathes heavily.
"This is all my fault, okay? I'm sorry"
This didn't mean we were getting back together. It certainly didn't fix our previous problems.. And it didn't change anything, except the unbearable distance, was now just a little bit less.
His arms around me felt good. He smelled like Harry, and it was just that one familiar thing that kept me grounded.
It must've been so incredibly hard for him.
I left. Zayn left. Louis was obviously very very upset about Harry's wrists... And he was the front page of the news for weeks- meaning he couldn't show any emotion about any of it.
He looks down, finally letting go of me(unfortunately), and touches my pants.
"You always wore black jeans with this shirt" he acknowledges.
Without wanting to ruin his day by telling him the reminder of him ruined mine, I decided not to say anything about the damn jeans.
"I'm sorry I came. I had to see you just once.."
"Before what? Harry, we don't have to be the couple that breaks up and never talks again. We have mutual friends so I'm sure-"
"Before we left.." He concludes.

{author's note}
ROUGH SEX WITH HARRY
Okay, so, now that I have your attention-
Give me FIVE SECONDS of your time please.
I was thinking about changing the title. Whoa okay yeah I know kinda a big change but if I named it "Impenetrable"
I could do a follow up book called
"Undeniable"
What do you guys think? And if the title doesn't make sense at the moment, that's alright because there's BIG BIG NEWS that will pretty much wrap up this story coming up in a few chapters. I'm looking at maybe 5-7 more chapters before it ends. Maybe a lil but more? I don't know but I'm very excited so thank you for your constant support and have a day as lovely as you all (:
Signed,
Brookey❤️