Grotesque || Bucky Barnes x Reader

21

Bucky's POV - Same day as the last chapter

I didn't want to break her heart but again I couldn't lie to her, every night I was sneaking out to get with Natasha and although my consciousness didn't allow it I did it anyway. Sitting down in the quinjet I realized that my actions affected her, the only person I ever truly cared about and now I could never be able to get her back.

"Why did you do it, Buck," Steve says piloting the jet and I didn't even have an answer for him, I didn't know why I did it "was it because she didn't love you enough or maybe she forgot to make the bed-" "I don't know steve" I let out a frustrated sigh "maybe Bucky its because someone loved you for once after a century and you didn't know how to feel," Steve says but I'm sure it wasnt.

It was more of the fact that I didn't feel like I deserved her, she was perfect, almighty and a literal goddess and I was a broken shell of a man and for the first time ever she was the only person who treated me as if I wasnt this broken man she treated me like... a normal person.

"I fucked up" I mumble "Yes I know because when you lose her, you are done," Steve says and he was right y/n was stubborn and strong-minded, she was adamant about all the choices she has ever made in her life whether they had benefitted her or not no one was able to change her mind.

I truly love y/n more than words could ever express well I guess I could have not cheated but it's not like we were dating, even that... hurts. We had a thing, a memorable thing, and a crazy thing but a thing nonetheless and I fucked it up.

"Steve," I say "What Buck?" he responds coldly, Steve loves y/n almost as much as I do well I guess more if I was able to treat her like this "I'm so fucking sorry," I say voice breaking trying not to sound vulnerable "I don't think I'm the one you should be saying that too but even she won't believe you," he says. 

I get why Steve was up my ass all the time about treating y/n right, but, in her eyes, he couldn't do any bad at all so how was I, James Bucky Barnes, supposed to live up to her standards of Captain fucking America.

I wish I could turn back time and take all of this back but even if I was able the guilt would eat me alive from the inside out, so much for never hurting her and to love her huh.

"Bucky, she really loved you more than anyone I've ever met that she dated, and believe me 107 years old means you have dated about 3 different generations and I know the whole hatred thing was always in the way but she was never your enemy at that, she was madly in love with you and I could see it way before she knew I mean you could have treated her way better," Steve says focusing on the sky.

"I wish I knew what better meant" I sigh "You are better, better than anyone she's ever dated including me," he says and I sigh again.

Fuck.

"I don't get how I could be better than you Steve," I say shaking my head and then placing my head in my hands "Well if you are able to make someone fall in love with you and then run away with her clearly you were doing something right, keyword were past tense," Steve says rubbing it in "yeah thanks bud."

"I love her Steve, I do, it was just I couldn't treat someone better if I couldn't even treat myself decently" Steve nods understandingly "You feel as though she doesn't deserve you" He pauses "You couldn't tell her that though," He says "of course not especially after that whole Thanos thing it left her in shock for a week" I shake my head.

"there was never a right time to cause heartache not to her" I pause "especially not her".