Grotesque || Bucky Barnes x Reader

23

Two Months Left

Try to be funny and stuck in a room, try to be funny and heartbroken stuck in a room. The occasional screaming into the pillow and then beating yourself in the mirror pointing out all your imperfections just to realise you are perfect and then cry because you realise it was all a lie and no one is able to love you.

That was me since Steve left, I've been trying to feel loved but everything I've tried just takes it further from me. Some days are better than others but every day I miss him more than the other, here I am thinking about all the flaws I wasn't able to notice the change in well me and the whole hydra thing. 

Sure I did the tests but nothing around me changed, I remained in the same room for months since he left I even punched the wall to see if I still bruise and to see if it would hurt as much as him cheating but it didn't.

Nothing hurt more than him leaving, him cheating.

I walk up and down my hallway looking at the art on the walls and noticing how one light flickered every seven minutes and forty-three seconds, sitting on my bed staring out to an endless void begging for someone to come and take all the pain away.

"FUCK" I scream flopping onto my bed, I would never be able to compete with Natasha it was bound to happen anyways. 

"FUCK FUCK FUCK" I scream lying down on the floor and then standing up to kick the wall, try ad feel something but nothing. I flop onto my bed staring at the ceiling and throw a dart up so it would come down a pierce me but it never landed instead a metal arm grabs it and before I could sit up I cry.

Maybe I was hallucinating but I proceed to stand up and punch in front of me, hitting him in the stomach and hearing him grunt was the most real thing I had felt for a while. I punch him again but this time it was harder, again but harder and I kept going until he tells me to stop and he never does "you left me alone" I cry.

"you left me to go be with her" I continue hitting him and then hitting him one final time sending him into my wall but he takes it and stands up "I'm so fucking sorry y/n," he says but a tear rolls down "I hate myself every day for hurting you-" "easy on me James that's what I said go easy on me and you went all in the cheating, the lies" I spit "I never got the chance to feel anything," I say.

"I wish" I pause "I wish I never met you," I say and he shakes his head because we both know that I was lying and I couldn't live without him "you don't" his voice breaks and he walks up to me grabbing the sides of my arms "let go" tears stream down my face.

"Why are you here" I whisper trying not to let him hear how broken I was, "I thought you would come back for me" I continue "I needed you James" I cry into his chest and he pulls me in.

"doll" was all he could say after three months "don't doll me" I stand up realising how stupid I was being "I'm sorry," he says clearing his throat quietly "I hate myself for everything I've ever done to hurt you or make you feel loved and then throw it all away" he continues "I've been beating myself up for it"

"and even when people say that you're ok I know deep down that what we had wasn't something you get every day" he chuckles "no one has to go through tests and then comes home just to go back out for long walks and picnics by the river, no one is old fashioned like us" he continues and I chuckle wiping a tear off my face.

"hell James" I laugh and he walks up to me holding my face wiping my tears "hell is right y/n i love you, ok," he says and I sigh "any mistake I've ever made you can beat me up for it right now but please, please don't send me back I'm not leaving here again even if I have to sleep on the floor," he says "I belong with you and only you," he says.