The Blackmail Dilemma

Dare Me To Go Back

The thing about redemption is that it's a profound thing. It's to each their own. No one can tell you why or when or what. And no one can tell you that you're wrong for seeking redemption, for seeking repairs for what was broken, damaged, gone from you. And I was never one to believe that just entering a building was a cure. I never believed the saying that just going to church would save you. No, I believed that you had to be a good person, you had to work on your soul. And most importantly that you had to try to find a relationship with God, and within yourself. Walking into the building wasn't a golden ticket to being a better person. No. Just like in a relationship, you couldn't just walk in, meet someone, and expect to marry the person. No, there was commitment, there were things that needed to be done.

I was standing outside the church after my dad had already gone in. I already told him I wouldn't"t join him this Sunday like I had been saying for the past year after my life went down the drain. I felt kind of nervous. I haven't been to church in a while, and well sometimes I would pray inside my head and hope that He would hear me. I knew I needed to work on my relationship with God. I knew it wasn't perfect, I knew I would never be, I knew that I would never be perfect. But after everything, I wanted to try. I had grown up trusting in Him, and I wanted to try to get a little piece of my life back. Because I really couldn't blame Him for my life being a mess. I couldn't blame anyone. I could try to blame people and their actions, I could try to blame myself, I could try to blame the universe or God or whoever else. But the truth was, life was going to suck. Life sucked for everyone. Everyone had good days and bad days, good years and bad years, good and bad experiences and everything in between. So could I really blame God for everything that happened to me? People acting of their own free will?

The thing was, I really couldn't. Just like I couldn't really praise Him for the good people either. Because everyone acted the way they wanted to act. But I could always thank God for bringing people into my life, because even the bad ones ended up making me stronger. Or maybe they didn't, maybe I was just a broken shell of a human that wanted to try to grasp onto some semblance of just something. Either way, I wanted to try again. I wanted to ask God to forgive me, to guide me, to be my strength before the next day. Because the day after this one, the day I was standing in front of the doors of the church, the next calendar day, the next school day, was Monday.

Monday, I planned to seek my revenge on Stacie. I knew that God didn't really want us to get revenge on each other, that much was true. But I was an imperfect human who was broken and hurt and just wanted to stop everybody else from hurting. And the best revenge was coming clean. The best revenge on Stacie and Nina and everyone else was just to come clean and to be myself. The best revenge was to show them that they couldn't own me, couldn't hold on to my secret, and couldn't make me feel ashamed anymore. Because I wasn't ashamed anymore. I was broken and I was kind of okay with that now. I was broken, but I hoped things got better. Because at least August was back on my side somehow. And I realized I had feelings, complicated feelings for someone. That I liked someone romantically and I hoped that I could grow my relationship with them. But I knew first I had to do some soul-searching and fixing up for myself. I mean, we were both broken people. That was okay. I was hoping that we could help fix each other, because sometimes you don't have the strength to do it yourself.

And maybe that's why I opened the heavy wooden doors and stepped inside the building.

ºº

"You didn't have to do that today, you know," my dad said as he prepared three grilled cheese sandwiches using two different pans on the stove. "But it was nice to see you back at church."

I took a seat at the island in the middle of the kitchen. "It was a healing thing, you know. It made me feel more in charge of my life or whatever." I grabbed an apple from the basket in the middle and bit into it. Green. Sour. My favorite.

"And your brother told me about your plan. You don't have to do it tomorrow. It's stupid. Those girls don't own you. It's just highschool." Sizzle. Pop. The sandwiches would be ready soon.

With a mouth full of apple, I responded, "Like I said, it's a healing thing."

He shook his head, taking one sandwich at a time and placing them on three different plates. " But then everyone will know. I thought you wanted to keep it a secret. I thought he was the worst moment of your life. So why would you say every detail in front of the entire School?"

"Because, "I said, now chewing around the core of the apple,"They can't hold it over me if I tell everyone. Stacie only has power over me if I let her. And I won't let her anymore. And that's the end of it. You can't talk me out of it. My mind is made up."

I heard a door open and close. Nelson walked in through the garage and grabbed a plate.

"So you told him," I directed the sentence at my brother. " What did you think that would accomplish?"

He shrugged. "I just wanted him to know about your stupidity. I thought it over and I don't think you should. You're going to regret it. "

No, I wouldn't regret it. I already knew that I wouldn't. "You're wrong you know. Both of you. Am I just supposed to live with them blackmailing me? Am I supposed to live with the coward that I've been? Am I supposed to live knowing that I've hurt the people that have come to mean the most to me?"

Nelson sat next to me and bit into his grilled cheese. He chewed it for a bit before responding. "It's just, there are other ways. "

"Like what? Telling an authority figure? It's really stupid to think that they care. I've been down that road before and it hasn't done anything. You can only win like that if you're rich, or your parents have big names in town. No one and nothing describes me, so they don't care. I have to deal with this myself. Besides, I don't really care what people think about me. They think of me as a coward right now. They think of me as someone that follows Stacie around and follows her orders. I want to be different now. I want to be a different person. I don't want to be the coward that I've always been. Why is it so hard for you to understand that!"

"It's not hard for us to understand. We both just want what's best for you," Dad said, placing a grilled cheese sandwich in front of me.

As I grabbed my sandwich to take a bite, my phone rang in my pocket. I fished it out to see Nina's name on the caller ID. I sighed, then stood up and excused myself into the next room. I stepped in the living room, one hand on my hip, staring out the window as the sun went down. I answered. I didn't know why I did it, I just did.

I heard a sob on the other end of the line.

"Kiley, I need your help."

"And why would I help you?" I asked cynically. "Why, after everything, should I be nice to you?"

"Because you're not the only one being blackmailed. And I know your friend August was trying to get close to me. I figured it out. You wanted something on me and Stacie, right? Well, you got it. My mom killed my dad, got away with it, and the only reason is because Stacie's dad is a cop that took pity on her. Liked her, even. And that's how Stacie and I became friends. There are no accidents. And now, I want to leave her. I'm so tired of being a part of this game she has been playing for years now, and I just want it all to stop. So, please, help me. Help me get away from her like you did, slowly but surely. I want friends who care, not that always want something from me."

She was sobbing like crazy into the phone. I was stunned, frozen to the spot. I didn't know how to react. I didn't want anything to do with the girl, yet she called me for help. I held all the cards. I had all the power. But I didn't want it. I didn't deserve any power over her. She was going to help herself.

"The truth is the only thing that will set you free."

"What?" Sniffle.

"The truth," I snapped, but then I felt bad. "I'm going to tell the school my secret tomorrow, and so are you.

"What? I- NO!"

"Either you set yourself free, or you let her blackmail you. Your mother's secret shouldn't be ruining your life. You're just ruining your own life at this point." Yeah, I was angry. I was rude. I crossed a line.

"Okay, But I'm drunk, and Stacie was supposed to be my ride, but she ditched me. Can you come get me please?" Because a part of me missed the old times together, a part of me deep inside still cared, I agreed.