The Blackmail Dilemma

Dare Me To Remember

 I drove Nelson to school on Monday. We pretended like nothing was wrong, like neither of our lives were falling apart. He offered me a wave as we parted ways, and he hurried into the school with his head down. As soon as he had turned away from me, I saw the light diminish from his eyes. I saw what the whole situation had done to my little brother, and I hated myself for it.

I hated them even more.

As I walked to the entrance to the school, I noticed a familiar person standing outside, looking down at her phone. Hesitantly, I approached her, unsure of myself. I just needed to tell her that I was sorry. She wanted to be my friend, but instead I embarrassed her.

"Hey, Kalila."

Her head popped up. She stared at me for a few seconds, an unreadable look in her eyes. Slowly, she pocketed her phone, taking a step towards me. We both heard the bell ring, indicting we were late. Neither of us moved.

"I'm sorry." Those two words took a huge burden off of my soul. My hands fidgeted by my sides, waiting for her to accept or deny my apology.

She cocked her head to the side, seeming to study me. Her lips spread out in a small smile as she nodded. Then, taking me by surprise, she hugged me. At first, I was stunned, unsure of how to react. As my wits came back to me, I wrapped my arms around her.

She pulled away first, still smiling. "August doesn't usually see the good in people."

I furrow my eyebrows. "What do you mean?"

"He's the one that wanted me to take a deeper look at you. He told me that he met up with you at the sushi place, and he told me that I was right in the beginning. You need help."

"I-"

"No!" She exclaimed, cutting me off. "Don't deny it. You need friends. You need someone to stand by you and support you." She placed a hand on my shoulder and squeezed it gently. "Sometimes, lost souls are drawn together."

I didn't really see her or August as lost souls. I didn't even see myself as a lost soul, but rather a damned soul. Because, in the end, I was the one who ruined people's lives, and my own. I didn't deserve her friendship, or anyone's. I didn't deserve anyone's forgiveness.

"Come on, let's get to class," she said.

I didn't really know how to verbally respond to her. All I could do was let her take me by the arm and walk me into the place where it all began.

§

It's terrifying to look at the people who have broken you and pretend everything is okay. Nina brought her newest boy to sit with us at lunch. I forgot his name, and I didn't care to ask for it again. Stacie sat next to me, and I thought she was trying to keep me at that table, with them. She was a demon in disguise, and I hated it when she leaned over to show me something on her phone.

I felt bile rising to my throat. There were old texts between her and him. Flirty

Texts, even,

"Why are you showing me this?"

She shrugged nonchalantly, smiling sadistically. "I just like remembering sometimes, you know? I really miss him."

I wanted to wring her neck and watch her suffer the way she had made me. I wanted to know what she was doing in that office. I wanted to know why she enjoyed watching me suffer, and enjoyed the anxiety that rose within me whenever he was mentioned. I hated it, and her. I just wanted it all the stop, but for that to happen, I'd have to make her stop.

Patience is key, but I felt like patience was suffocating me.

I looked into her eyes, and all I saw was malice. For once, I felt like I was seeing the real her for the first time, and I hated it. I hated who she was, and I wished I had the guts to scream in her face in front of most of the student body, making sure her humiliation knew no bounds.

Instead, I nodded. The thing was, I couldn't just nod and play along with it anymore. I refused to sit back and take whatever was thrown at me.

"You shouldn't miss him, Stacie. He never loved you like that, and he was a horrible person."

Her eyes widened, and she seemed to gag on air. "Excuse me?"

Even Nina and her boy toy were looking at us now.

I choked down my anxiety. I tried to calm my breaths and stop my hands from shaking in my lap. "You heard me, Stacie. You need to stop this."

She narrowed her eyes and leaned in real close. "Watch that attitude. If I didn't know any better, I'd say you grew a backbone."

Her words infuriated me. She herself enraged me. I turned from her and looked at Nina and the boy. They were both watching, calculating. I pushed myself from my seat. "Excuse me, I need to use the restroom."

A few people looked my way, but I ignored them. I walk steadily until I got into the hallway, far away from the door. Then, I allowed myself to sink to the floor as it got harder to breath. With every breath, my chest squeezed a little tighter, and I hated myself for having this anxiety. I wanted to claw away my old skin and bring in some new. Tears came to my eyes and I fucking hated this. Anxiety was a terrible thing that are away at you until you want to lock yourself in a room and never, ever leave, because every little thing was too much to handle.

Suddenly, someone was kneeling in front of me, talking to me. August gently touched my shoulder.

"Hey, you okay? I saw you arguing with that bitch in there."

I shook my head. I hated showing weakness, but in that moment, I had no strength to lie. Every time he was mentioned it brought pain and anxiety, and I just wanted it all to go away. Why was she always so mean? Why did the world hate me?
"I know how it feels," he whispered, and I tried to focus on his voice. He was sitting next to me now, a hand still on my shoulder, grounding me. "Anxiety, I mean. Whatever she said to you, remember it's just words."
"It's not," I forced out. "It's memories and tragedy."

"I heard you're friends with Kalila again."

I nodded.

"Did you hear about the thing Stacie posted in the newspaper?"

I shook my head.

"She's caught wind of some people exchanging nudes. She's in trouble for leaking it."

I knew what he was doing; trying to distract me. Oddly, it was working.

"You know, your brain can't be anxious while deep breathing at the same time."

I was pretty sure I'd heard that before. I tried to gulp in some air, then let it out. He kept talking, and it helped. A lot. At some point, Kalila sat on my other side, and they both just talked and talked until I could breathe again.

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I did it, I updated! Thoughts?

Hope you guys enjoyed! I've just been so busy and unmotivated. 

-Sarah