The Blackmail Dilemma

Dare Me To Say A Name

I wasn't sure why I called him at 2 in the morning. It wasn't like I really expected an answer, or to hear his groggy voice repeating my name as I zoned out for a moment, lost in my thoughts.

"I know this is stupid, and it's literally two in the morning-"

"Two fifty three, so it's actually closer to three am."

I let out a breath, leaning back against the headboard of my bed. The shadows lodged in every corner made me uneasy, like the demons in my head were slowly taking physical form, preparing to devour my soul. A car passed by, and it shifted the light in my room ever so slightly through the open window. "This is stupid. I'm sorry. I-"

"No, just talk."

I suck in a breath, trying to focus on the sound of his voice. He would understand, right? He'd understand the thoughts swirling in your head at random hours of the night, provoking your anxiety, making you unable to sleep. He had to understand the panic that you couldn't control as your thoughts spiraled out of your control, as you screamed at the nagging voices in your head to leave you alone.

"I just thought you would understand." My voice broke. My eyes teared up, but I blinked away the moisture.

"I'm sure I will," he relies softly, more alertness in his voice. "Just tell me."

"I have to talk to Janessa and her teacher tomorrow," I began. It was true; I had texted her after I talked to my dad that night, remembering the threat that Stacie has made. Dean changed her grade, just that once, because he wanted us to figure out what we could use against her. I wasn't sure if he or Janessa really cared about my secret being revealed. It wasn't like they knew what it was. It wasn't like they knew what I'd done.

"That teacher is a creep."

"Yeah, but he's helping me."

"Kiley-"

"Look, Stacie wanted me to blackmail him, okay? I need allies in this. I can't have her telling the whole school what I-" my voice cracked as a tear rolled down my cheek. "What I did."

The line stayed silent for a moment. I pushed the sheets off my legs and walked over to the window. A few street lights bathed the night in an orange glow, only disturbed by a single car driving down the road, high beams on. The silence of the night simultaneously unnerved and calmed me. Maybe I just wanted silence, not loneliness.

"Whatever you did, is it really worth giving away your soul?"

"Yes," I snapped without meaning to. "It's- what if people found out?"

"I understand."

"How can you?" My breathing started coming out heavier as more panic settled in. "You never- you never could've done what I did." The last part came out softer.

"Probably not, but you're not the only one with experiences. But that doesn't matter. Are you okay right now?"

I shook my head knowing he couldn't see, more tears slipping out. "I was having an anxiety attack." I hated admitting that weakness out loud. To me, it was a weakness, and I hated it. I hated it so much. I hated overthinking, and panicking, and I hated being a fucking coward.

A pregnant pause, and then I heard the sound of a blinker.

"Are you driving right now? At three A.M? You know there's a legal curfew for us minors, right?"

A laugh. "Want to send me your address?"

I froze. "What?"

"So I'm not wasting gas."