Healer

Chapter 14

TW: Talk of SA

     By the time he saw her again, he had gotten himself under control. All he had to do was get through this dinner. That's it. Cassian was watching him every time Azriel glanced his way, and it was making things harder. He wasn't like Rhysand, he hadn't been searching all these centuries, believing his other half was out there. He hadn't dreamt of a family or building a home like theirs. He hadn't let himself think that way, not ever, not even with.....who, again? No other name could edge hers out of his mind.
Females had always been a delicacy to him, something to be tasted and enjoyed, but not kept. Rarely, if ever, had his heart come into question. He watched her as she talked with others, looking relaxed. Happy. She had fought so hard for this freedom, she had told him that herself. She was so deserving of it, he would have battled for it in her place if he had been able. He couldn't take that from her now. He imagined her face when he told her that instead of the world of possibility she had dreamt of, she would be instead tied to him for eternity, and cringed. He never wanted to see that pain on her face. He could offer her nothing but darkness and the heavy weight of his past. He couldn't go with her where she pleased, not when he had duties to the court. There was no scenario in which he could justify a bond like this. There was no scenario in which he found himself worthy of it.
He forced his new eyes not to linger on her as she sat to eat. He remembered he should do the same, and took a bite. When someone involved him in conversation he would smile and nod and offer a word if needed, still unable to trust his mouth and what might come out if he opened it fully. He noticed that she held back, smiling and watching everyone while only speaking when spoken to, he noticed her timidity in front of these fae. His family.
He fought a sudden urge to get up, to go and stand behind her and wrap his arms around her shoulders, to smell her hair and press his mouth to it, to have her back as she faced them. He imagined her face as she turned to look up at him, the pink of her cheeks and green of her eyes, what it would feel like to lay his lips on hers, even for a second......he snapped out of the thought so violently that he had to grab the edge of the table to steady himself. She noticed, she looked at him. You okay? Her eyes asked him, searching his. He nodded and hung his head to hide the heat that had risen to his face. She was threatening to break his self control and she had no idea. He excused himself and walked to the washroom, leaning against the door as he shut it. He weighed his options. He could leave Velaris, go to Windhaven for a bit, citing his recovery. Maybe she would be out of the house by the time he returned or even out of the city. Or, he could continue to face her as if nothing had happened, essentially rejecting, no not rejecting....ignoring, fate and the bond. At least then he could watch over her silently. Or he could walk out right now and snatch her up, carrying her away with him to somewhere quiet where he could explain everything, and no matter how she reacted, she would be there in front of him.
And maybe if she reacted well, he could.....his eyes glazed over as he imagined kissing her again, his hand cradling the back of her neck, tangled in her long, dark hair. Her usually steady hands grasping for him, her usually quiet, even heartbeat racing against her will, feeling it pressed against his body as he lifted her to him to press her against a wall or the bed or the floor, whatever he could find to help close the space between them.......he sucked in a breath, not realizing he had forgotten to release the last one. His body wanted her, that was for sure, but he knew, he knew, he couldn't present that to her. Not now. She had been so brutalized by the fae males that came before him. He clenched his fists, the anger at the memory of their scent on her that night cooling the burn of his desire. In its place, a different kind of desire threatened to well up emotion in him. The desire just to listen to her voice, the way she sounded when she was not a healer, when she was just Talia. The thought of her owning his heart and not just his healing.
An image of her smiling and bending to pick a flower beside the path where they walked, his hand grasping hers to steady her across the uneven earth, and this, dinners with his family, their warmth wrapping both of them in a light he had carefully skirted the edge of as the loner of the group. His fantasy switched from her legs wrapped around his waist to her hands wrapped around his scarred ones, her light wrapping around his darkness. He couldn't leave her, not for long, the distance would drive him crazy. But he couldn't have her. Not like that. And he couldn't hide it much longer. The scent of her was overwhelming, threatening to drive him to his third option. He left the washroom and reentered the dining room in time to watch as the females cleaned up the dishes and silverware from the table. She was in the mix, looking as though she belonged. It did things to him to see her like that. He had to leave, now. Before he made a mockery of himself. And her. He looked to Cassian and cocked his head toward the entrance. His brother understood and followed him out into the courtyard.