I, Devil (a love story)

Chapter 45: Azazel

I flew into my basement. My trains were exactly as I left them. They were wonderful, beautiful, twirling pieces of art. The copper spinners spun as the train rolled along the tracks. The waterfalls caught the summer sunlight I had pouring through the arched windows. It was always sunset outside and at the perfect temperature. I built a tiny little room inside a pocket of spacetime just for my personal train set. I made a place where time never passed. It was always just as I wanted it, down to every single blade of grass. It was the one universe I could control.

I had three separate trains. My favorite and longest one had my newest addition, the vintage green Lionel passenger car I found while I was on the trash pile with Raum. I walked through my train room to locate the train set.

I found it climbing up the copper tracks. My model trains travel a fantasy world of my own creation. Everything is mildly modern but completely unique. I also built a fantasy countryside, with a forest of mushrooms and phosphorescent, glowing flora and fauna. Seeing my train pass through the fantasy portion of my model reminded me of Fairyland yet again. There were things I destroyed that I knew never even existed.

It sent me into a guilt spiral. I didn't want to think about the Creator and yet I was thinking about it again. The fiddle contest. The crossroads. Los Angeles. I wanted to put it out of my mind. I missed an opportunity to ask God the one thing I always wanted to ask.

Why did you make me bad?

There were other questions I thought of. They all seemed equally important. I felt tricked. I wondered how many other opportunities I've missed. I also knew it was pointless because it seemed clear that God wasn't going to answer for any of it.

How could she, I asked myself as I followed the train set along the railroad. I decided to make it rain, so I conjured a sizable cloud. I drenched my train's countryside in heavy, cold rain. I watched as the droplets drenched the rocks and splashed into the lakes. I even summoned a little lightening for flavor.

The locomotive engine's headlight popped on automatically. The sensors tripped and the train could read that it was raining. It gave some realism to the model set. The train whistle howled as it trudged along the tracks and through the mushroom forests, circling back to the spiral city. It felt very satisfying.

The thing I know best about the Creator is she-- or he, but I refer to the Creator as she-- speaks in riddles. I'm sure when she said,

"Because I think you should go home," she was likely saying multiple things on multiple levels. I just didn't have the time or the patience to decipher it! Why couldn't she just say what she meant??? Wasn't God herself 'home'?!??!

Or... she just meant I should go home. I didn't need to mess LA up any more than I already did. That was the vibe I got.

I mean, I got what I wanted. I wanted God to talk to me. I wanted her to meet me, face-to-face, and she did. It didn't change anything. It never does. What do I do, now? Pick up garbage with Raum? Why weren't there ever answers? I was just as clueless as a stupid human.

But, I didn't get the benefit or joy of a body. I didn't get to experience a kiss or smoke a cigar, not really. Not FOR REAL. I was forever a thought-form, a tulpa, or an egregore. I was always relegated to someone's imagination. I was always just a character in a book for someone to read on the internet. I didn't get to live.

To say I was jealous of humanity would be an understatement. Having a body is like being at the bottom of a black hole, where all the senses you have as a consciousness are edited down to just five. Sight, touch, smell, taste, and sound. The five are reflected in the perfect shape of two arms, legs, and a head. A human is shaped like a star. There is perfect math everywhere. There is nothing more beautiful than a human.