I, Devil (a love story)

Chapter 51: Meresin

If I were to dream, I would say that myself and every aspect of the Devil has usually one common dream: who we would be if we were given the chance to be human?

It is a very cliché trope. Most of the time, the answers I have seen reflected in art shows the Devil being very evil if they spent time on Earth as a mortal. This is usually a result of the Devil being very angry, vengeful, and perhaps jealous of human bodies. Perhaps we are, at least some of us are. I can objectively see how one could come to the conclusion. Humans are given an exclusive chance to experience time in a linear fashion. Instead of treasuring it, they squander it. They use it primarily as a vehicle to chase things these unobtainable, transient things-- power, sex, and money.

A life in these pursuits is a life wasted. Usually a human feels remorse and regret upon their deathbed. Life was unsatisfying. It did not meet their expectations. We, as angels, are forced to facilitate this experience for them over and over again. I spend the majority of my time watching it unfold. Just watching. It is one form of Hell.

If I were to experience mortality even for a day, I would not waste it recreating Hell. I would spend the day enjoying an autumn evening in the woods or... I would spend the day talking to Wendy. I would treasure the simple things, like rainfall or a pair of shoes. I would want to see and experience the things that I cannot see or experience as a spirit, namely an inner, private thought or even a lie. Without bodies, it is very easy to see when another creature is being untruthful- it is usually directly in front of me as a form of energy. I would like to see what it would look like if Wendy were to tell me a simple fib-- if only just to spare my feelings on something. I would not let a single "little thing" pass me by. I would want to see and process all of it.

Then, there are the things outside the direct human experience to enjoy as well, such as spiders or all the species of flowers in the world. Rarely do humans stop and absorb anything that repulses them, and yet these creatures are created universes unto themselves.

I don't like to indulge these thought experiments because... of course they are absurd to think about. I will never experience an actual spider, the smell of rain, or a fresh cup of tea. I will never experience a conversation with Wendy-- or any other human on a one-to-one basis, using a tongue for speech or ears to hear. I was created to be incorporeal. I was created to be a Watcher, not a human. I am not on the precipice of decisions experiencing the universe, I am one step behind. It has to be this way for reality to exist. It is important.

If I were given the chance I would make art. The only art I can create as a spirit is inherently tainted. All of my materials is simply negative energy. It will always result in a demon. Vassago was the first and only experiment where I hoped true alchemy could occur, a transformation. I am hoping that his pseudo ability to dream changes him from a caterpillar to a butterfly, where he can ascend his inherent vibration level. I am still unsure if it is possible.

I worked very slowly. I painstakingly designed the virus. It caused me grief and sadness. I was careful in my application and techniques in creating the virus. I designed it specifically for my species, using my own blueprint as the base of the creature. But, I knew I could not speculate what would happen once my brothers did contract it. Unlike Azazel, I do not use oracles to predict the future. I use probability, not prophesy.

Once the virus was completed, I needed to plan a way to distribute it. That would be the real problem. I was not as mobile as Azazel. I could not travel through time or hop from timeline to timeline. I also wanted to be accurate. He was the real target. If he were contract it, most certainly every fallen angel would be effected, too. He was the mainframe. He was the operating system for the Devil. In a way, he was the mothership for all of the fallen brothers. It is an inherent design of our species. I feel confident that if Azazel is destroyed, the other fallen brothers will also die, or, at the very least, be significantly neutered.