I Was First | Joshua Hong

Chapter 34

Hiah's POV

I heard from people around me that I'm mean, that I lack sympathy because I appear like an emo, I get that a lot.

Ever since I started liking things, horror and things about it were the very first ones, the characters in it are all dark, but my reason for wearing excessive eyeliners wasn't about it, I sometimes like to act like ghosts I see in the movies I watch, but I never planned on copying any other things like making myself seem like a dark person.

But since I hated the look on my face four years ago, I did what I had to do just to make myself look different, that's how I got my emo image.

And they're right, I do look like one, sometimes, I even come to think that I really am one; I like all things horror, I read just to keep my mind from thinking about things that I want to forget, I listen to loud and rock music just so my brain won't think about anything but the noise. I do all that just because of a dark past someone gave to me.

At this moment, I wanted to be selfish and mean like what everybody described just so I could not forgive those people who came back just to say something which they could've said four years ago. I felt guilty for things that they made me believe that was my fault, and I atleast wanted to let them know what it felt like.

Yet looking at the bright side, the bright side that I rarely take a glimpse at, if I forgive and forget, life would be much easier.

One thing that I was thankful for that night when they came to apologize, is that they reassured me that I really did nothing wrong, it was just their fear and anger that made myself believe that it was all my fault.

I don't want to bother myself thinking about them anymore, perhaps that four years was already enough.

I could say so myself that I easily forget; that other day at the hospital, when Dokyeom came, I found myself smiling.

"Hey.", I heard Joshua's voice from behind, but in no time, when I looked at my right, he was already there with a somewhat confused look. "Why are you here?"

I looked around and I was certain that I was at the campus I go to. "Why? Did I change school or something? How come I don't know—"

"No, that's not what I meant.", He slightly chuckled. "I'm just asking why are you here instead of taking a rest. It has just been a day since you got discharged from the hospital."

"I only got hospitalized for a day, and I'm not even dying. I'm actually perfectly fine.", I raised both my hands a little to somewhat show him that all parts of my body were working all right.

I brought my hands back to my side and raised my eyebrows at him when he still didn't looked convinced. The worried look on his face was so evident that I knew where he's coming from.

"I know.. that you're just... worried.", I briefly looked down, before plastering a smile on my face as I looked at him in the eye. "I might seem like I'm a mess due to all that has happened to me in the past days... but right now, I'm dealing with it better.", I patted his shoulder and gave him a confident grin. " And I don't want to just sit at a corner and take my time thinking about the past anymore, I just want to continue how my life is going right now."

"Take a rest whenever you feel the need to. It's not that bad.", I nodded, pursing my lips, showing him that I'm aware about everything he's trying say. "You can always tell me whatever is going on, I'm a good listener."

"I know you are.", I jokingly hissed at him before walking first on the way to the school building. "Come on. We don't want to get late for the first class after a week of vacation."