Dear Addiction

Chapter fifty two

"She's alive!"
After months of procrastinating I finally got this chapter posted, and even if the starts a little choppy (sorry about that) at least it's something! Anyways it's from Cas' point of view, and I hopefully should be able to post the next chapter next week!
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Their conversation didn't last much longer and it was only minutes after it had dwindled out that Dean fell asleep, still sat on Jack's bedroom floor, his back pressed to the wall and chin tilted down. His lips sat just parted, face lit by the moon's glow. It didn't look comfortable, and Cas knew they'd both be in pain the next morning yet he couldn't bring himself to wake Dean, not when his features sat so peaceful, still worn from the lack of sleep and alcohol abuse, but peaceful nonetheless.

There was no reason for him to stay, he could leave to his own room, but much like how he couldn't wake Dean, Cas couldn't find it in him to stand, weighed down by his and Dean's conversation.

Cas pressed his lips together tilting his head so he could see Jack, fast asleep in bed, his face barely visible through the dark. Cas's eyes still burned, his throat raw from sobbing. Still he felt the pain tugging in his heart, a mix of unease and pure terror, that nothing ever seemed to fix.

He'd admitted to his fear of losing Jack. To Dean.

And yet despite admitting it, he hadn't even scratched the surface of how deep his fear truly ran, how engraved it was.

He'd always been scared, since they'd adopted Jack, that one day he wouldn't be there to take the hit, but Logan had limits. Or at least that's what Cas told himself, he wouldn't hurt Jack, he had limits, he wouldn't hurt Jack, he wouldn't hurt Jack, he wouldn't hurt Jack. It had become a constant reassurance, ringing through his head, every time Cas had left Jack alone with Logan, or Jack dropped a plate, or threw a tantrum in whatever store they were at. But now the ringing had become almost unbearable, becoming louder and less sure with each repeat.

Every time Dean touched Jack he could feel his stomach turn.

His adrenaline raising at the very thought of leaving Jack alone.

The memories of losing Jack only a month ago, leaving him crouched over a toilet, throwing up whatever he'd had for dinner. Of Logan kidnapping- taking- Cas wasn't even sure what to call it. It had all been a misunderstanding. A flaw in communication, him once again being forgetful.

A misunderstanding.

So why didn't it feel like a misunderstanding?

Cas rested his head against the wall, squeezing his eyes shut and forcing himself to inhale through his nose in some weak attempt to stop the rising emotion. He could feel the burning of his eyes, just hear Dean's shallow breaths over the hammering of his own heart.

His anxiety had never been worse, more brutal or persistent. Not when he'd been twenty two and Logan's abuse had just begun, not when he'd first adopted Jack he'd reclaimed he truly had no other option but to stay with him, and not when he'd realized Logan's threat of taking Jack was more than just a threat. Waiting for Dean to snap, hurt or worse, Jack, was worse than anything else Cas had ever faced. The uncertainty of how the other behaved, of what would push him to the edge, clawing up Cas's throat

The sound of a passing car came and Cas opened his eyes, the first tear falling, before a second soon followed. He forced himself to exhale, before pushing himself to his feet, legs shaking under his weight as he made his way across Jack's bedroom. His footsteps were quiet, barely audible as he stepped into the hallway and then into the bathroom. His fingers flicked the light switch, the bright lights immediately filling the room, allowing him to meet his eyes in the mirror.

Pale skin. Dark hair sticking out in strands. Eyes rimmed red. Cheeks stained with tears.

Shattered.