Dear Addiction

Chapter thirty seven

Sam was right, but of course Sam fucking right.

Dean shouldn't have been driving, and with each wrong turn, ran stop sign, and poor lane change that became increasingly clear. His breathing had once again become forced, body tense with adrenaline, though the panic attack hadn't come, and instead a feeling of dissociation. As if his body and mind worked at different paces. His body desperately trying to keep him in reality, while his thoughts were numb, stuck between the feeling of fight of flight.

It wasn't until he'd stepped out of the car and onto the streets that he felt somewhat normal. The cold winter air, burning against his cheeks, grounding him to the present.

"Dean." He turned to Cas who'd just gotten out of the passenger side, the other's expression sat in worry, which Dean for once was thankful for. It was better than his emotionless stare that had taken over, through most of the car ride. "Are you alright?"

"Yah, I'm good." Dean replied.

He looked away from Cas and back to their first stop, Logan's office building. A large building that blended in with the rest of New York's skyscrapers. "Are you sure?" Cas asked, though Dean only tuned. "You seem pale."

"It's winter," Dean said, and he couldn't breathe properly. "That's what happens," and the whole world seemed to spin, the sidewalk swaying under his feet as he walked towards the building. The panic growing with each person he walked past. There were far too many of them, people, loud, screaming, talking, the noise ringing through Dena's head, only worsening the panic that seemed engraved in his chest.

He could have sworn one person had tried to stop him, though Dean had ignored them, only stopping his stumbled walk when he'd gotten into the door entrance, which gave him some privacy from the busy streets. Cas soon joining him.

"Dean-"

"Ready to go in?" Dean asked before Cas could continue. He didn't want the pity talk, he got enough of it from Sam. He didn't want Cas to worry about him, or his fucking problems Cas had more important problems.

Cas turned looking to the glass door they stood in front of. His lips pressed in a tight line, eyes looking with their usual intensity. For a moment he didn't respond, only looking, before he gave the smallest nod of his head.

"Then lead the way."

Dean followed Castiel through the door, and into the building's lobby, a large room that much to Dean's relief was fairly empty. With a minimalistic design, and only a few people filling the large room, two at the far right corner waiting for an elevator, and one man stood behind a desk in the centre of the room.

"Castiel." The man greeted them as they walked up to the desk he sat behind, a smile across his face. Cas didn't return it, instead only staring back. "How are you doing?"

"Is Logan here?"

The man's smile, flat reed for a moment, though other than that he didn't seem fazed."No, I haven't seen him since yesterday."

Dean looked away from the desk and instead across the room, most of the furniture and decorations a light shade of grey, or dark blue.

He took a deep breath, the air barely filling his lungs as he tried to calm the panic that still built up. One breath, then another. A third breath, slow and forced. Why couldn't he calm down, why was he so tense. Why couldn't he fix it.

"Would it be possible for Dean and I to go to his office?"

"I- Make it quick." Dean could hear the hesitation in the man's voice, "your friend can wait here."