Dear Addiction

Chapter forty three

"When'd you move to New York?"

"A few years ago, five I think, I was going to Princeton university and transferred to NYU."  There was a pause as Cas spoke, his gaze burning against the side of Dean's head, though Dean didn't turn. Instead his gaze stayed locked on the dark road in front of him, only lit by the impalas headlights. "When did you move to LA?"

He could feel the adrenaline as he drove, the same way it has since they'd left New York, coursing through his veins, leaving him tense. At times the anxiety would get worse, to the point that even Dean knew he shouldn't be driving as images would flash through his mind, or non existent noises would blare through his ears. Over and over, no matter how loud he turned the music up.

Sometimes it was all he could focus on.

The fear.

The helplessness.

The feeling that the world crumbled under his feet.

At times it would get so bad he'd pull over, fumbling out some lie, like he needed to make a call, or get some food. Anything but the truth.

"Dean," Cas said, which he only replied to with a hum, "When did you move to LA?"

"Oh, uh when i was twelve anbd then again at twenty." A deep breath filled his lungs, then parted his lips, his gripping tightening around the wheel. He could feel his heart hammering, beating faster with each passing second. "After my mom passed, my dad had trouble sticking around in one place so we moved around alot."

"Where else did you live?"

"Boise Idaho, Cape Girardeau, Missouri, Columbus, Ohio," Dean paused for a moment. "I've been everywhere," most places only for a few months, though the longest had been a bit over a year, and the shortest a week. "Why'd you transfer to NYU?"

At first Cas didn't reply, the sound coming from Dean's right being nothing more than a shaken breath, then more silence. The stiff feeling that had settled in the car unmistakable. Another shaken breath came. "Logan," Cas finally whispered, "he was moving back to New York and asked me to come with him."

Dean didn't reply, unsure how to and instead glanced to the rearview mirror, looking to Jack who was fast asleep in the back. Cas had talked to him that morning, and since the child had been much more quiet, crying at random times, and though Cas would never admit it, Dean knew it was hurting the other,

His gaze stayed on the child for another moment, glancing across his features. His round cheeks, and slightly puckered out lips, one of the stuffed elephants wrapped his arms.

"Dean!"

At the sudden scream of his name Dean's gaze dropped to the front window, his heart leaping out his throat, as a truck sped out in front of them from  a side road. His foot slammed on the break, his eyes closing for barely a second before opening again as the car skidded into a spin.

The sun glaring against Dean's eyes, that was the only thing he could truly focus on, as the world spun around him in a mix of blues and greys.

"Dean."

He could hear the screams to his right, just over the hammering of his own heart. He was going to die, maybe he was dying, Dean wasn't sure.

"Hear."

The car stopped spinning and Dean jolted forward his ribs and wrist searing in pain. Everything might as well have fallen around him, the helpless feeling crumbling upon him, burning worse then any part of his body.

"Dean."

He was going to die.

"Breath."

His head spinning, despite the car no longer moving.