Gold Whisker: A Fifth Grader's Attempt at Making a Book

Chapter 16

  "A little stronger Tom."  Sword said.  "You're not even trying."

  It was the first day of our training for the battle.  My tiger striped fur was all dusty from practicing with Beth earlier.  Beth was more pumped than the rest of us combined.  We had just hunted for two hours and only found two mice.  Tom was fighting Cream right now.

  "Come on Tom."  Lightning said.  "You're not even trying."

  I gave Lightning a hard stare.  The dream I had last night made me look at Lightning twice.  The dream had felt so real, as if Lightning had really turned on us.  Gold must've noticed my actions towards Gold, as he walked towards me concerned.

  "The sir Lightning looked familiar when I first saw him."  Gold said.  "I finally have someone to agree with my suspicions."

  After Tom and Cream had practiced, it was Gold and Jeanette's turn.  Gold got Jeanette on the ground almost five seconds after starting and put his paw on her belly.  Gold was in good shape now, so I knew he was going to win.

  We practiced for the next two weeks.  Cream and Beth were both shocked Jagged hadn't given a punishment to Thorn yet from his usual mean behavior.

  "I'm just saying Maxine," Jeanette said, "That Jagged is cold hearted."

  During that day I had to fight Gold. Gold got me on my back, as always.  If we had to fight today, then Gold would've beaten Jagged up badly.  I'd won before, like my fight with Tom.  Tom was stronger that time, but I got him down.

  My dreams were still abnormal.  My dreams were still mostly about an ambitious Lightning pulling us into that portal.  I still glanced at Lightning in curiosity during the day.  Gold always looked at him with me.

  On the fifteenth day of our training, something terrible happened.  Right in the middle of my fight with Sword, I thought I saw a pair of red eyes staring at us in a nearby bush.  I got so unfocused that Sword got me down.

  "You should never take your eyes off your target."  Sword said.  "Then you will lose."

  "I think someone is watching us."  I said.  "That was why I lost my focus on you."

  Sword was about to open his mouth to say I was wrong, but then I felt a sharp pain enter my back.  I knew we were in big trouble now when I saw Needle's body right above me.  He looked bloodthirsty in his eyes.

  "Well, well," Needle said, "A couple of slaves breaking the rules."

  (Note:  Believe it or not, I really do not have really anything to complain about with this chapter.  I have to admit that though flawed with inexperienced writing, this chapter was pretty decent.  The characters are actually doing something to act against their horrid situation, Maxie is reasonably questioning Lightning's loyalties, and the chapter ends on a pretty strong cliffhanger .  It is as if my younger self started to understand where the direction of the story needed to go and actually did something to make it more than a mess of inconsistent plot holes.

  If I were to change anything though, I definitely would have had the characters train for a few more chapters to build up Maxie's fighting abilities better and establish the rising stakes of possibly losing Thorn if nothing is done.  Also, the dialogue would be way more well thought out then it is, but I have to remember that I wrote this twelve years ago.  My writing back then was way different than what it is now.  I can't be too picky on myself.)