Fox and Fawn

day six

lucien

day six

"First best is falling in love. Second best is being in love. Least best is falling out of love. But any of it is better than never having been in love."

― Maya Angelou

You Guide Me Home -- Jason Tarver & Thomas Greenwood

Oh, gods. It was happening. He was falling. Falling fast and hard for Elain Archeron.

Lucien should have been thrilled. He should have been elated that he wanted someone who wanted him back.

But he couldn't help it.

To find the love he'd been searching for, it felt...

It felt like a betrayal.

A betrayal to Jesminda.

For he had believed with such certainty for so long that she had been his mate. He'd spent centuries resigned to a life without love because what was the point if it wasn't Jesminda? If it wasn't his beloved.

And who was he to seek out such a thing when Jesminda's death had been his fault?

He was undeserving of love. Even though that voice in the back of his mind said otherwise. Even if Feyre said otherwise. Even if Elain treated him as though he were worthy. He shouldn't care for anyone else. Not like he'd cared for Jesminda. He should care for Elain differently.

I do, he thought to himself. I think... I think I care for her as my mate. As my other half.

Two days. Two days counting today. Then their fate would be decided.

Perhaps he could go on courting Elain without the bond. Perhaps that would assuage his guilt. Perhaps without the bond he would care for her less than he'd cared for Jesminda. He owed that to his fallen love, did he not? To preserve his heart and never share it with another. Yes, perhaps ignoring the bond was the best possible way to ensure his affections for Jesminda remained intact. And Elain had never wanted the bond anyway. Would she even care if he broke it as long as it meant they would be together?

Gods, he'd already lost the war with his heart even considering all this. In so intimately pondering his feelings for Elain, he'd already made up his mind about what would happen at the end of this week. Regardless of whether they let the bond remain or not, Lucien's fate was now sealed. He wanted to be with Elain. He wanted to pursue what they had.

And he wanted the mating bond, despite what he resolved that he owed Jesminda. He wouldn't be able to choose to cleave it. Would he? Guilt filled the pit of his stomach, slick and waxy. It scorched his insides. How did he make it go away? He had to try... And he had to find the strength to at least consider still breaking the bond. But how? How when he was so completely and utterly enraptured with Elain?

All these burning questions. How to keep Elain at arm's length. How to resolve centuries worth of shame. How to harness his guilt and use it as a reminder, not a prison. Questions with longer answers. Questions for another time.

Right now, they would enjoy a private dinner in the river house study. They would indulge and laugh and in the back of his mind he would imagine that they were mated. That this was their life. That this was their house. Perhaps they had been mated for years in this fantasy. Eating dinner in the study was a daily ritual between them. Perhaps down the hall their children dined in the kitchens on sweets, knowing that there had never been a love like their parents had.