"Falling in love is easy. Staying in love is a challenge. Letting go is the hardest part and moving on is damn suicide. Im feel like dying. It hurts. It aches with every beat of my heart. Sometimes is hurts too much that i just want to stop breathing, so that my heart stop beating and i won’t have to feel anything anymore. It hurts enough to keep me awake at night, discourage my appetite, and send me to another world i didn't thought exists. I can’t breathe because each breath reminds me that it is real- that i will wake up, even when im so desperately wishing i won't. Somebody help me. Yet i know, i am helpless. #365"
I roll the paper and put it inside the bottle. My heart felt like it was being squeezed again as hard as the cold bare hands of the one I once loved could squeeze. This feeling is the only thing in the world that could possibly make me not want to have a heart anymore. I throw it as far as i can, hoping that pain will sail away together with the bottle.
I smile as i can see it riding the waves, sailing the sea away from me. Sunrise is peeking on the horizon. I can taste salt in the air i breathe. Sand tingle with my toes. Waves embracing my feet. Wind kissing my skin. Serenity. Peace. One year of hiding in this paradise to mend my broken heart. But that span of time ain't enough.
I silently watch the sunrise making its way to the cloudless sky. Then i start diving to the ocean of my memory lane.
"Its better to break your own heart by leaving. Rather than letting that person break your heart everyday you're with them."
I recall the qoute i read on my way here. Kiefer. He once made me believed in love. But his name made me forget all the lies in love as well. The worst feeling in the world is knowing you did the best you could and it still wasn't good enough. I wasn't good enough and will never be. He don't even love me. They say that I have no right to be hurt this way, hindi nga naman naging kami. But for me, once you love someone, you have all the right to be jealous, to be hurt. Package yan.
I stood up to stop myself remembering him. Its killing me. The pain is just too much to handle. Unbearable.
On my way to the villa, i saw him with his serious face. I smile. Silly thoughts popping in mind. Afterall, heartbreak changes people.
---
We all do things in life that we regret. Still, there are things in life that we hope to someday be able to do. All of these things make up who we are and how we've come to be ourselves. Occasionally we'd like to change the past because of regrets, though this would completely change who we are. In my case, I regret losing her.
I didn't bother asking why she went away to anyone who's close to her. I know its my fault. I shouldn't said that nasty things to her. I know my words hurt her. But that would be enough reason para magpakalayo siya? Pero ano pa nga ba magagawa ko? Wala na. Nawala na siya. Gustuhin ko mang hanapin siya, hindi pwede. Kaya siya nagtatago kasi ayaw niyang magpahanap.
Lahat sila nabigla. My family, friends and teammates. They keep on asking me ano ba daw ginawa ko kay mika. And everytime they asked me, i kept my mouth shut. Wala naman akong sasabihin. And kung meron man, hindi siya babalik. Wala ng magbabago.
The first few days na nawala siya, i admit it to myself that i rejoice. I was so happy that time thinking na wala ng mangungulit sakin. But as time goes by, slowly i can feel the loss. She fills something in me that when she's gone, she take it with her. I feel so incomplete. I know that losing mika can not be replaced by anyone else. And the thought that i can't replace her is harder, and forgetting her is the hardest. But i have to learn to overcome all of the emotional disturbances that i had to face.
Now, I can't say that I have turned my life around. Some things from the past few years still haunt me to this day as she always invaded my mind. Mika. Where art thou?
"Lets watch movie first." She said. Were on our way to mall. This one keeps nagging me to accompany her. I have no choice but to grant her wish, since she's my only princess and always will be.
"Then can we have our dinner after?"
"No. Not yet. Samahan mo muna ko. Shopping." She said pouting. Making her paawa look.
"Then dinner na? Or may pupuntahan pa tayo?" I asked, a bit irritated. I'm really hungry. I sighed in dismay.
"Yes po."
Wala na kong nagawa. I parked my car and we headed in the cinema. She decided to watch a chick-flick movie. The whole time, i was so bored. Nakaidlip na ko. I excused myself na bibili lang akong water.
As i pay what i bought, a familiar figure caught my attention.
Mika. With a man. Strolling casually.
