The Rugged Edge

Chapter 28: Crickets and Fireflies

No instruments, no song,
no music for far too long.
Oh, if we could but be crickets!
They make their own sweet song.
No light, no lighted way,
no happiness; all grey.
Oh, if we could but be fireflies!
They make their glowing way.

. . . . .

As the sun began to set, we arrived back at Vereniva. The flowers in the garden were brilliant, but I was too full of sadness to notice.

After a silent dinner like usual, I went up to my room and sat down on the cold stone floor by the window. It was icy, but it didn't matter. If anything, it was pleasant in its coolness.

In the failing summer light, the world outside looked greyer than ever. It was dim, and the radiant sunset was long over, having given away to twilight.

I wasn't really thinking. There was so much to think about and I felt overwhelmed by it. Instead, I watched the world go black outside and tried not to think, succeeding for the most part.

Once it was dark, I went to bed, but the night pressed in on me and I simply couldn't sleep. Suddenly, I thought it might be nice to go walk in the garden.

The thought seemed heavenly. It would be dark, and I would be alone with the flowers. I could already feel them embracing me and giving me a sense of peace. It would be so unique for me to go out in the night and be like the princess I should be. I would simply walk in the garden, not hike through the wild brush outside Rokenfort in a riding suit. I got up and made my way down.

The air outside was chilly and it felt so refreshing. Mosquitoes buzzed around my ears and the green of the hedges and of the flowers was still green, even in the dark. It was beautiful.

But what was truly breathtaking were the fireflies by the pond. They glittered in their own light, giddy that it was night again so that they might come out and play. They seemed so alive.

There were cricket sounds rustling nearby in the flowers. They were making their own music. They didn't need fiddles to bring joy.

If only the rest of Rokenmeine could be like this garden, capable of being happy by their own means. The fireflies shone their own light in the grey. The crickets made their own songs.

I stood still, in awe of the evening show. I didn't even notice the footsteps behind me.

"Isn't it beautiful?" said Geraint.

"Yes," I breathed. Then I tore myself away from the sight and looked around. "What are you doing here? Couldn't you sleep either?"

"Not exactly," he said. "I just wanted to take advantage of being here while we can. I love this place, and it's absolutely amazing to be out in it alone in the dark."

We were quiet for a minute, taking in the stillness and the peace.

"You were amazing today," Geraint said.

"Amazing?"

He looked at me quietly. "With Aliyah. You stood up and were a princess."

I laughed. "That's being a princess?"

"I think she saw that you really care. That you're not like Collum," said Geraint. "I think you gave her some sort of hope. It's only so long before the rest of Rokenmeine sees some hope, too."

I was quiet for a moment. "I hope so."

"And you were brave," Geraint added.

"Brave? How on earth was I brave?"

"It's probably not easy to hear about your parents," said the guard. "And not be able to do anything about it."

I was still. I'd never thought about it like that before. I'd never thought it was brave at all. "It's only that I keep hearing about how amazing they were," I explained. "Everyone seems to have known them except for me. I feel like I'm missing out on something that I should have been a part of. I'm their daughter. But they died and I'm the only one who never knew them."

We made a part of the hush in the world, given away to the cricket's song.

Presently Geraint spoke. "I don't know what I'd do without my parents; without my sister. They made me who I am. I suppose that's why you seem brave, to me."

"Well, thanks," I said. "I just want the kingdom to be green again."

"We all do," said Geraint. "That's why we're doing this. We will make it green again. And then you'll be queen!"

And then I said what I'd never said before. It felt so daring, as if I was making myself vulnerable to everyone, to say anything at all. Yet I did it, and when it was over, I felt less responsibility for everything. I felt relief.

"I just want to make Rokenmeine green again," I said. "Me, queen? My whole life has been empty... and lonely. Why would it improve when I'm queen? But I guess there isn't much to lose. I'll dig out the emptiness and loneliness for the rest of Rokenmeine, and that can be enough." But I felt the doubt and the misery in my own voice.

Geraint looked surprised. "Why wouldn't it get better? Of course it will."

"I... well, I guess I mean that I don't really want to be queen. There's no life in it. But really, what else am I supposed to do? There's nowhere else to go. I'm alone. So I'll be queen and make it better for everyone else. Then everything might be better for me, and I won't feel the loneliness so much."

Geraint looked very sad when he said, "You'll have somewhere to go. Don't worry. It will get better, for everyone. Including you. Right now, are you alone?" He paused.

I wasn't alone. Right now, I had Geraint; I had a friend.

"If you're not alone now," he continued, "why should you be alone when you're queen? Don't let what made up your past make up your future."

I was quiet for a minute. "You're right. I'm sorry."

"You don't have to be sorry." And he smiled, the smile he smiled the first time I met him, and the one he smiled on the stairs to the tower room. It was a real smile. A happy smile.

"Thanks, then," I said.

The fireflies flickered in the night. The chilled air was sweet on my skin. If only the whole world could be like this.