The Rugged Edge

Chapter 33: A Dark Side and a Traitor

Suspicions rising
as high as the clouds;
confessions that don't need forgiven.
Hopefulness diving
as deep as the sea,
by which we are constantly driven.

. . . . .

Two nights before the infiltration, Geraint and I returned to camp once again.

As soon as we arrived, Aldith came up to us.

"Rufus would like to talk to Geraint," she said.

Geraint looked surprised, but went off, waving goodbye in my direction.

I proceeded to find Quinnie, who, strangely, hadn't greeted us when we came. Soon I realized she wasn't anywhere.

"Mae?" I asked her mother, who was stirring the stew as meat was thrown into it. "Do you know where Quinnie is?"

"I think she's with her chrysanthemums, dear," said Mae, barely taking her eyes from her task. "Back in the trees." She motioned to a place where thin trees grew steadily thicker.

"Alright. Thanks," I said, and hurried that way.

As I went, I passed many people. Most of them were chattering excitedly about the infiltration. I distinctly heard Roland say proudly, "He's sending me in tomorrow night to make sure everything's ready in the castle. I've been a spy once before, and he must have been pleased, because isn't this a big job!"

I found Quinnie sitting against a thick tree that hid her small body completely as long as she was behind it. In front of her lay a little patch of earth that had clearly been dug up and covered over recently: the earth was dark and wet. It was her chrysanthemum plot.

What surprised me was the fact that Quinnie wasn't happy as usual. She looked lost in thought, frowning sadly with her round face downcast. She didn't notice me as I stepped up close.

"Quinnie?" I said.

She jumped and looked up, managing a smile which quickly faded. She rose to her feet. "Ise! I'm sorry. I didn't notice you were here. Is Geraint here, too?"

"Yeah," I said. "He's talking to Rufus. But Quinnie, what's wrong?"

She looked surprised and tried to smile again, but failed. "Oh, nothing much." She sat back down on the mossy earth.

I sat down next to her against the tree.

She glanced at me, as if she wasn't sure she wanted to tell, but did anyway. "I guess I'm feeling sort of hopeless." She tried to smile again, and this time managed it, but it came out sad and lonely. "I don't try to be hopeless. I know I'll never be happy through it all if I'm hopeless. But I am. I don't know why. And just as the infiltration's about to happen! Shouldn't I be hopeful now, of all times, when there is hope?" She paused and looked up again. "I guess I feel lonely. I don't know why. I have so many people who talk to me and who love me, but I feel alone. Does that make any sense?"

"Yes," I said softly, but confidently. "It makes sense."

"It does?" she asked, as if asking for confirmation. "It doesn't seem like it should."

"You don't have anyone close, anymore, whom you talk to every day," I said. "I was always surrounded by people, but I still felt lonely, until I became friends with you and Geraint. It changed everything."

"But that makes sense," said Quinnie. "You never had anyone. I've always had Geraint to talk to."

"Maybe the fact that right now you don't have him, at least not all the time... maybe that's what makes you feel lonely," I said thoughtfully. "And anyway, everything being so grey and gloomy is bound to get you down. It gets everyone else down! You going on so long without it doing so to you; that's what's amazing." I smiled.

Quinnie smiled too, yet it flickered away. "It's my dark side," she said. "To feel lonely when I don't need to. It's selfish, and I shouldn't."

"It's not a dark side," I denied. "It's only a weakness. Everyone has weaknesses. You should count how many I have. And if you didn't have any, who would you be? You couldn't possibly be human. Weaknesses are only bits of our lives that we can always improve on."

Quinnie smiled gratefully, and this time it didn't flicker away. "I'm sorry. I guess you're right. You are, you know. But you know what the best part is?" she asked. "You got over your weakness. You aren't lonely anymore."

"Maybe," I laughed. "But I've still got hundreds of weaknesses left to sort through."

"Yes," said Quinnie. "But you got over that one. You can fix them all."

"Not alone," I said. I paused. "Maybe there isn't any hope left, but we have something to set our hearts on and work towards anyway."

Quinnie looked at me and smiled. "You know, you're going to be a fantastic queen."

We were quiet for a minute, letting the silence fill in the rest of the conversation.

I silently reflected on what I'd said. How odd that I had flipped from the lonely one being comforted to the comforter for the lonely in such a short period of time. Maybe that was what a queen did. I hoped so.

Presently, as we sat in silence, Geraint hiked through the fallen leaves and plopped down across from us against another tree. He didn't look happy.

"Ise," he said. "Rufus talked to me."

"What did he say?" I asked.

"He said he wanted me to watch you. He says he still doesn't think we can trust you. He says he thinks it's likely that you're working for Collum, and spying for him. He says he believes you're a traitor." Geraint paused, worry and anger flashing in his eyes. "But he wanted me to continue working with you to let you think that we hadn't caught on. And he told me not to tell you anything about the conversation.

"But I've spent every moment with you since I became your bodyguard, and I trust you ten times more than I trust Rufus," Geraint continued. "I don't know what it means. But I know you're not a traitor. The feeling that Rufus is up to something is getting stronger and stronger." He paused. "And I don't like it. It makes me feel uneasy about this whole infiltration. Where did he get the information to complete the map? I know he wasn't in Rokenfort the night he was gone. He can't have found it out himself. He has to have asked someone."

We all got to thinking, with no result.

"I really wish this whole thing weren't so confusing," I said. "Or mysterious."

And then we all managed a laugh.