The Girl Aria (A Stray Kids Fanfiction)

Chapter 15

I arrived back at the dorm not too long after Lee Know had picked me up. I was physically and mentally exhausted, and it wore me out even more to think that this was only the first day of school. I would have to be doing this pretty much everyday; five days of the week. It had been awhile since I had attended school, so obviously it would take some time to adjust to a planned schedule. My body was tied, and all I wanted to do was rest my eyes, but as soon as I walked through the door, I was bombarded by millions of questions pouring through seven other boys' mouths.

It was so overwhelming that I wanted to almost cry. I knew they were just trying to be considerate, but after the long day that had been filled with anxiety, fear, loneliness and pretty much everything else, I didn't know how much more of this yelling I could take. Chan seemed to sense my frustration, so he instantly quieted down the other guys who had become too rowdy.

"Whoa whoa whoa, the the girl some room to breathe guys." He stated, looking amongst the curious gazes. Then it became too silent. I gathered all my strength to muster a smile for all the people who were waiting for my response.

"So, how was the first day?" Felix asked, excitement shooting through his eyes. I hated to disappoint him with my words.

"It was fine." I stated simply with a shrug of my shoulders. I still hadn't figured out the whole water situation with the girl yet so I just decided to leave out that topic all-together.

"Aww c'mon, we need more details!" Han shouted, earning a few stares from the boys.

"Did you make friends?" Seungmin cut in, saving me from having to answer Han's question.

"Well, not really. Although I did have a really friendly guide throughout the day." I said, trying my best to keep it as simple as possible.

"Oh really?! What's their name?" Han questioned again, his energy practically radiating off of him.

"Hwan." I stated without much thought or emotion.

"OOOOOOHHHHH." They all started to shout in unison. I looked at them quizzically. What was with their attitude? They were being like a bunch of grade school students.

"What?" I demanded, the word coming out kind of sharply.

"iS hE yOuR BoYfRiEnD?" Hyunjin asked in a teasing tone. I felt my cheeks become flaming hot when he said those words.

"It's nothing like that! He was just there to show me around!" I desperately tried to explain to them; only causing me to look more guilty. But what could I do? It was the honest truth! They all gave me that "okay sure, but we know you're lying anyways" look and I rolled my eyes. What a bunch of kids! I thought.

"But you did get along with everyone right? There was no trouble?" Chan asked me, his expression turning serious. I paused, flash-backing to when I had been in the bathroom.

"Yeah." I replied somewhat quietly. I could have misunderstood the girls intentions, although I highly doubted it. Maybe she had been forced to do that? Maybe she was bad at making first impressions. Heck, maybe she was just trying to lighten the mood in a very bad way. The point is, I had no idea what this girl wanted from me. But I had a dark and eerie feeling deep inside of me that she hadn't done that to be my so-called "friend".

Your no good for anyone. Give up already before you become heartbroken.

My mother's past words were like a sharp, sudden slap to my face. It felt as if my heart stopped beating, and the world around me became a meaningless void. The people gathered around my form seemed to slow down like time itself had been put on hold. I could hear and feel the loud pulsing of my heart beat harshly in my ears, my vision fading in and out, occasionally become white. Somewhere, in the far back of my mind, I told myself it's a panic attack, a bad one. I knew it was true. I had dealt with this several times. Funny, you would think I would be used to this by now. But I knew I could never get used to it, no matter how many times it made an appearance. My throat started to close up, and the space around me seemed to grow smaller and smaller. I felt trapped; claustrophobic even. I needed to get out of there. Now.

"Excuse me, I'm a little tired." I said, my tone coming out almost like a high squeak. Most of them didn't notice, but I saw a few people who had worried glances. Then, I practically ran up to my room, shutting the door tightly behind me. Just trying to breathe in air was almost impossible. My throat refused to open, leaving me struggling for air. Why am I so screwed up? I internally yelled at myself, self-esteem dropping lower than it already had been. It made me feel even cruddier that I knew there were people out there who were worse off than me. I dragged my hands through my hair, my fists clenching heaps of my hair. I squeezed my eyes shut, squatting down until my knees almost touched the floorboards. Pull yourself together! Live upright! I scolded myself, immediately fixing my posture and attitude. But as soon as I did that, everything I felt just went away. All my intense emotions that had been present just mere seconds ago were gone, and now I didn't feel anything. I felt nothing. Maybe I was nothing. It was so strange. I had never before felt anything like this. There was nothing. Almost like I was just the empty shell of who I used to be. But maybe it was better this way. Instead of feeling pain all the time. It was like I had lost all control, and my mind was malfunctioning. I was broken.

* * *

I didn't come down for dinner that night. Socializing was the last thing I wanted to do. That was practically all I had done today, and now I just wanted to be alone, with nothing else except my thoughts which consumed me. I sat crossed-legged on the bed, my chin resting on the heel of my hand, eyes glazed over in a blank expression. Honestly, I didn't know how long I was going to be able to survive the school-year. If the first day had been like this, what would the others be like? Once again, that anxiety of the unknown came rushing back to me, all too familiar. I buried my face in my hands, not even containing the strength to let out my emotions. Instead, I tiredly flopped down onto my back, my dry eyes staring up at the ceiling, slowly blinking.

Maybe it would have been better if I would have jumped off that building.

I sucked in a shaky breath, reconsidering my actions back on that day. What would have happened if I would have ended it there? Yes, these boys would have never met me, but was that really that big of a deal? I mean, it wasn't like I had improved their lives. Maybe it would have been better if I hadn't of been born at all. Those poisonous thoughts contaminated my brain in an instant. It felt like I was losing everything; especially myself....