I couldn't sleep.
My bed was cold and empty as I stared up at the ceiling in my RV in Atlanta. My mind was racing a million miles per hour about the events from this past week.
But fuck it, right? I was going to do what I wanted and damn the consequences.
Bethany has been the best damn thing that has walked into my life. She was my ultimate wet dream; tatted up, owns a body shop, sponsoring a few rides and wasn't afraid to get what she wanted - both business and personally.
When those photos and videos of us fucking at the concert leaked, she used them to her advantage and more money came spilling in forms of new contracts with guys hoping to get the same treatment.
It was a win/win. She got money and I got money for my ride, shutting up all the haters who said I don't deserve to be in the 88.
Fuck them all.
But what about Gwen?
I sighed, rolling over and not allowing my mind to go to her but it was no use. I don't know what to think anymore. She's unlike anyone I've ever met, kind, loving, will do anything for those she loves. She was the most selfless person I've ever met, but then I realized I couldn't trust her.
It was one thing to write about us, of which was so erotic the moment I found out, but then to write about the secrets I've confessed to her, the precious moments that was just for us? No. That crossed a line and now everyone knows. I was done being her little muse for others to enjoy.
Yet, as I reached for my phone, I found myself reading every last word she wrote on the page, wondering where our story was going to go. The last thing posted was our fight from the other day.
It was odd to read it from her standpoint, how every word I said cut deep and made her bleed from within. To me, all I was doing was telling her what she was writing was uncalled for and that our relationship shouldn't be blasted for the public to see.
It shouldn't have, what happens behind closed doors stayed there.
New Chapter Posted
I sat up in bed when I got the notification, it was 3 am and there was no reason for Gwen to be up. Not when I know she's flying to the track this morning with the 24 team.
I guess I should have seen that coming as well.
Monday morning I got an email from one of the supervisors stating a change in personnel. Byron's PR was now mine and Gwen joined their team. I'm surprised she didn't outright quit, but with the season just now starting, there would be no available positions anywhere else.
I walked by her office Tuesday morning to darkness. When I peeked in later, I saw it was completely emptied out. Not saying it didn't hurt, but a part of me still hoped... I don't know what I was hoping for to be honest. It was an unspoken agreement that we were over and I've moved on with Bethany.
I didn't care what Gwen was doing.
But yet, I opened the notification to see a new chapter fill my screen on my phone. My fingers were shaking as I read through every last word.
Why did I fall for him? Why did I give him every last part of my heart just for him to rip it out of my chest and throw it to the ground? I was shattered and broken, my heart no longer wanting to beat, my soul lost, a ghost of who I was. I didn't recognize the girl in the mirror anymore.
What was the point of living when my reason didn't want me anymore?
I stopped reading at that last sentence, there was no reason why Gwen felt that way, she was the one screaming and yelling at me.
It didn't matter anymore.
I wasn't hers and she wasn't mine.
We're over.
**
My eyes betrayed me as I stood on pit road. My arm was tightly around Bethany's lower back and yet I was staring at the girl I couldn't get out of my mind. Not in the sense that you would think, but all I wanted to know was why.
"I can't believe she has the nerve to show up." Bethany laughed and rolled her eyes, making a show to place a kiss on my neck when the camera showed up before pre-race. I held my breath as Gwen looked over at us. She was standing by the pit boxes and I could tell she wasn't okay.
"Just forget about her. I have," I lied, but Bethany saw my smile and that made her happy enough.
But yet as the prayer began, my eyes wandered to the girl with the slumped shoulders. The life I saw was no longer there and the words from her story ran through my mind.
I was shattered and broken, my heart no longer wanting to beat, my soul lost, a ghost of who I was.
Somehow, Gwen knew I was staring at her. She looked over her shoulder and met my eyes, her hazel ones clearly filled with tears. I should have looked away, but I couldn't. But she made it easy for me when she stepped closer to the gas man and wrapped her arms around his, laying her head on her shoulder.
It doesn't matter. Fuck her.
YOU ARE READING
Losing It All // Alex Bowman
FanfictionGwen was good at hiding secrets - her feelings for Alex Bowman, the fanfiction she wrote about him and the hurt that came when someone new came into his life. Alex Bowman never expected to fall for his PR girl and when he did, he fell so hard. Whe...