Losing It All // Alex Bowman

Chapter Eight // Gwen

Because I'm falling in love with you.

I replayed the words over and over again in my head as I laid in bed. I tried to wake Alex up but he was dead to the world, the day's events finally catching up to him. He was in a drunken slumber that not even an earthquake could wake.

Because I'm falling in love with you.

Was this the truth? Or was this the alcohol talking? Or was it just the passion of our lust clouding his mind and saying these words fit the moment.

Did Alex really love me?

I know I love him. I was too blind to admit it beforehand, but now I felt it even more. My love for Alex exceeds no bounds, just... were his words true?

"Gwen, baby," he whispered, moving to snuggle in closer, "go to sleep."

I couldn't.

My mind was racing a million miles per hour with no end in sight. How can he just say those words and fall asleep? In my mind it was impossible to comprehend that he would feel that way about me. I wasn't worthy of Alex and I always find myself wondering when he's going to get tired of me and move on.

Everyone gets tired and moves on from me. I'm never good enough for anyone and when someone does give me that sliver of hope, things break and shatter into a million pieces.

Tears pricked my eyes as I felt my heart break a little. This couldn't be real. The man that I was so hopelessly in love with couldn't possibly have the same feelings for me.

This was just him being drunk. It had to be.

Because no one ever loves me, or sticks around long enough to say it. These were just drunken words that will not hold any weight when he wakes up in a few hours.

Silent tears fell down my face as I fell into a black hole. I know I should enjoy this moment, but none of this was true.

Alex Bowman did not love me and I was one hundred percent sure of that.

**

Alex woke me up late that afternoon with his mouth at the apex of my center. I came on his lips with a soft gasp, holding onto his hair as my thighs shook. He then moved up my body and slowly entered me, his lips finding mine in a passionate kiss.

We moved as one, neither one of us rushing, just enjoying the feeling of our love making as we both took what we needed. Alex came with my name on his lips, filling my core and setting off my own orgasm.

He bent down and kissed me long and hard afterwards, rolling us over so I was now straddling his hips. He encouraged me to ride him and I did, his hands finding the soft curves of my body, holding my breasts tenderly in his hands and cursing softly when I moved my hips just right.

I found myself getting lost in the pleasures that only Alex could deliver; the way his feather light touches set my skin a blaze or how his hardness filled my core, reaching new depths that had me screaming out his name in ecstasy.

I welcomed this distraction, allowing myself to forget about the words that were haunting me at every turn and drowned myself in him.

When Alex and I weren't taking advantage of this empty house on the beach, I was in front of my laptop typing away.

I had to get these thoughts out of my head and fanfiction was my drug of choice.

I wrote down all of my feelings, hiding behind my main character, voicing words that I could never say to Alex myself. I twisted them just right so no one would figure it was me. Then again, no one but Alex knew about my secret, not even my closest friends nor the girls I spoke with from time to time fangirling about our stories and the drivers in them.

If they only knew, I found myself chuckling at this.

"What's so funny?" Arms wrapped around my shoulder as Alex rested his chin on my shoulder. "I see you're writing filthy fanfiction about me again. Are you ever going to share it with me or do I need to get it out of you? Because you know I'll be able to." Alex whispered the last part into my ear and a shiver went through me despite the fact I was sitting outside with the warm ocean breeze.

"I was just laughing at the fact that some of my online friends have no idea who I am in real life. I'm using a fake name. If they knew I had the real Alex, they would flip out."

"They would probably want to use you for race tickets."

"Nah," I shook my head and smiled, "they would just want to know how big your cock is." I teased and he just laughed.

"Is that all I am to you guys? A piece of meat?"

"I mean, have you've seen yourself lately?" I wiggled my eyebrows at him and he just laughed.

"The fangirls can't keep their eyes off of you."

"Good thing there's only one fangirl who I want."

"Oh yeah, who's that?" I was on my feet by now, purposely putting myself in between Alex and my laptop.

"You." He nipped at my nose, causing me to giggle. "C'mon, leave the fanfic stuff behind. I have something special planned. You can write dirty smut about me later." Alex smiled, shutting my laptop and pulling me into him.

I sighed when he kissed my lips in a tender way. "I can't get over how fast everything is happening," he whispered, "how did I get so lucky to have you in my life?"

"I could say the same, Alex." He gave me a smile that made my stomach flip and I waited and waited for him to say the words he said last night but he didn't.

I knew right there and then that it was just a drunken mistake.

**

The next few days went by in a blur. We spent most of the days laying around and going to the beach and then our nights were spent out, going to different restaurants and bars. We'd then fall into bed, make love nonstop until one of us was utterly exhausted and couldn't take anymore.

My body was sore in all of the right places and I kept wondering when this honeymoon stage was going to end. However, as we went to Phoenix, everything was still the same. Alex couldn't keep his hands off of me and when we were working in the garage together, he kept staring at me like I was something precious he didn't want to lose.

I just hated the fact in the back of my mind something didn't sit right. I just kept waiting for all of this to fall to the wayside and wait for something bad to happen.

"Babe, what's wrong?" Alex wrapped his arms around me, placing his head on my shoulder as we stood on pit road before the race. I turned in his arms and gave him a hug.

"I keep waiting for the ball to drop." Alex lifted my chin to look at me in the eyes.

"Ball to drop?" I sighed, looking elsewhere than into his gray eyes.

"About us, Alex, I don't know. It just seems too good to be true. I've never had someone so wrapped up in me before."

"Because you never had someone like me." Alex smiled and pressed a kiss to my cheek. "Baby girl, you have nothing to worry about. I'm staying put. Nothing and no one will take you away from me. I'm sorry this took a while for us to get where we are, but now that I have you, I'm not letting go." I sighed into his arms and looked up into those blue eyes of his.

I love you.

I wanted to say the words but couldn't bring myself to it. He had to say it again before I could and right now I knew he wouldn't.

"Promise me?"

"With my whole heart." Alex pressed a kiss to my forehead and I closed my eyes, letting go of this fear. Alex was right, I had nothing to lose when Alex was right here in my arms, promising me to never let go.

I just had to trust him. 

**

A/N:  First and foremost, if you're reading this, then thank you.  I apologize for the long delay. Life is hard but surviving is harder.  I lost my desire to write and when I thought I got it back, it just slips out of my fingers no matter how hard I try to grasp it.

I opened this story today with fresh eyes. I miss it and I miss all of you.  So moving forward, chapters for this story will be short until I can get back into things. I don't promise another update any time soon, but I promise to write, no matter how long it takes me to get something done. 

Thank you for sticking around, reading my stories and leaving comments. It means the world to me.