Losing It All // Alex Bowman

Chapter Twenty-One // Gwen

Marc: Hey - I got the groceries this week. They're on the way to the house in 15, can you be there?

Me: Yup! Just heading back with the dogs now.

Marc: 😀

The sun was hot this morning, but it felt so good on my skin as I ran beside Finn and Roscoe. I smiled down at the good boys as we made our way back towards the house to start the work day.

If you would have told me over a month ago that I would be living in Alex's home for the unforeseeable future, I would have laughed and probably punched you in the face for reminding me that he was no longer in my life.

But then I got that phone call from Marc telling me Alex was awake and I asked what I could do to help. A part of me hated how quickly I jumped on the opportunity to help because of everything he put me through, but I was mature enough to set that aside to help someone who needed it.

Besides, I had it all planned out; stay here for the rest of this week and move out before Alex came back home. He'll never know I had any part in this and I can go back to rooting for Alex's recovery on the sidelines - where I belong. He'll never feel the same way that I did - do - so I'm not going to force myself back into his life.

"C'mon boys, it's hot and I'm thirsty." I shook myself out of that train of thought as I keyed in the passcode for the front door, Finn and Roscoe flying passed me in a blur towards their water bowls. I would have laughed at their eagerness but my eyes landed on the last person I thought I'd ever see.

It was like time stopped and everything went silent except for my heart beating loudly out of my chest. Tears pricked my eyes when I saw him. The man I told myself I no longer loved. The man that I prayed for every single day for his recovery. The man who lost everything and yet was alive, standing here before me looking at me like he's seen a ghost.

"Alex?" I whispered his name in disbelief and then I ran, grabbing him by the back of his neck and pulling him into one of the tightest hugs that I could muster. Alex stood still as I continued to hug him and instantly I felt that rejection from so long ago stab me in the chest.

I wasn't welcomed - this wasn't welcomed.

Tears stung my eyes at the rejection and I began to pull away, only to be stopped by his arms wrapping around my waist and suddenly a dam broke.

Alex's body began to shake as he sobbed in my arms. "I'm so sorry," he cried into my neck, holding onto me so tightly that I knew I'd have bruises. But I didn't care - it meant that Alex was here. "You shouldn't be here right now. I hurt you. You should hate me." Alex's voice broke as he cried even harder as his tears seeped onto my skin.

I pulled away from him, holding his face in the palm of my hands. I began to wipe away his tears with my thumbs, the best as I could while staring into the depths of his ocean blue eyes. They swam in endless tears and I could see the regret and pain he was drowning under. I wanted nothing more than to take it all away.

"I want to hate you," Alex closed his eyes and whined.

"You should."

"I tried to," I smiled sadly. "I tried so hard to be mad at you, but I couldn't. Not when..." I swallowed the sob that wanted to escape my throat as the accident replayed in my mind. The rain, the cars unable to stop and Alex's lifeless body being wheeled away. I shook my head and whispered, "I thought I lost you." I closed my eyes, trying to get rid of the scene playing in the forefront of my mind. "I thought I lost the one person that I ever loved."

"You love me?" Alex gasped, looking into my eyes as he searched for the truth and then he walked away from me. "I don't deserve your love, Gwen. I fucked things up. I'm the last person you should be in love with. You deserve better."

"And you don't?" I grabbed his hand and pushed him to sit down on the arm of the couch so we were at eye level. He grabbed my hand, intertwining our fingers together as he looked down with a sad smile.

"No. Not after everything I've been through. I drugged you through Hell. I broke your heart and meanwhile you stayed by my side? That's fucked up, Gwen. I don't deserve that."

I pulled my hand away from him, anger bursting through my veins. How could he say that was fucked up? Doesn't he understand that I did this because I loved him?

"So that's it? You're going to say this shit to me to get me angry at you? Is that what you want? You lost everything, Alex. Your job, your friends, the so-called girl that you were head-over-heels with. You know she didn't even visit you at the hospital? Now that's fucked up, Alex. I had to sneak my way into your room, not knowing what I was going to see and you're pushing -"

"It was you." Alex's voice came out as a whisper, breaking me out of my tangent.

"What?" I turned to look at him and he stared at me without really seeing me. Like he was lost in thought.

"I didn't black out at first. I was awake when my car barrel rolled through the air. I kept praying for it to stop. I never pray - but I did then. I begged God to make it stop. I begged him to keep me safe so I could..." Alex swallowed, wiping his face with his hands out of frustration.

"So you could, what?" I asked desperately.

"So I could see you again. I knew the moment I went airborne I was a goner. Cars aren't made to survive wrecks like that. I've seen the worst of them and something about this one had me panicking. I begged God to let me see you again. That I would give up everything just to hold you in my arms one last time. Your face was the last thing I saw before I blacked out."
"Alex..." I walked back up to him, gently lifting his chin up so he would look at me.

"I cried when I woke up. Not because of the pain, or the time that passed. I cried because I knew you were there. God heard my prayers.... But I... I don't deserve you." I wrapped Alex in a tight hug as he cried some more.

I knew then this was a mental battle, of punishing himself for the sins of his past when I've already forgiven him. I didn't know if I could convince him otherwise, but I had to. I wasn't going to lose him again.

"You may think you don't deserve me, but God answered your prayers. I'm here. Not because I have to be, but because I want to. I always want to be by your side Alex, no matter the storms that we'll encounter, or bumpy roads. Every relationship has them and we will get through this together. I want to be by your side again. I want to continue to fall in love with the man that I've always admired. You deserve that."

"But I lost everything, like you said. I don't have anything to offer you."
"In the end, you're all that matters, Alex. I don't care about all of the material things when I can have you."

"That's not enough."
"It's more than."

"Gwen." I laughed loudly as Alex pouted at me, knowing full well whatever he said I would have a rebuttal for.

"I love you," I whispered, looking into his eyes and down to his lips. I didn't have to think twice about kissing him - no, Alex took that decision from me and crashed his lips to mine.

All of the heartache I've suffered over the last couple of months began to mend as his lips moved against mine - like lost lovers reconnecting with each other being torn apart.

"I love you, too, so fucking much." Alex rested his forehead against mine as my heart beat happily in my chest. "And I'm never letting you go."