Losing It All // Alex Bowman

Chapter Three // Alex

Content Warning: [detailed] sexual relations between two consenting adults.

Alex, please don't say you don't deserve anything because that's untrue, you deserve the world and so much more. Working for you has been a crazy adventure, one I would never change. A bad day will not make me run away, Alex, I care too much for you to do that... especially since you unknowingly stole my heart. I cannot wait to see where life takes you and I hope to be by your side along the way. You deserve your heart's desire and I truly mean that.

I read Gwen's comment in complete shock, thinking I wouldn't even get a response from her. It was unlike her to comment on my post, let alone put her heart out there for all to see. It truly told me she was all in with this, that her feelings for me were real and not out of some made up fantasy she writes in her spare time. And yet, I'm surprised she has feelings for me at all.

I've put her through so much shit over the last few years that anyone in their right mind couldn't possibly see me in that light. But then again, her soul wasn't one to see the negative in things and I should have realized that was because she really cared for me.

She's been there through all of my highs and lows and never once complained with how bad things were or when I was a complete ass. I know I can be hard to work with at times, wearing my heart on my sleeve and taking it out on others, but she took it, every damn time.

How did I get so lucky to have someone like Gwen in my life?

And why didn't I fall for her sooner?

I've been too blind and stupid to see how amazing she is. Gwen has been there for me since day one. We met shortly after I was hired at HMS to drive their simulator. No one would talk to me, thinking I was some washed up driver so desperate for a job that I took anything I could get, but she did. She didn't look at me with pity in her eyes, she didn't look at me like a wash up who couldn't go after their dreams anymore. She spoke words of encouragement and never stopped believing in me.

Gwen would look at oncoming storm clouds and comment on how beautiful it was instead of worrying about the destruction it could cause. She always saw the good in things which makes me feel like I don't deserve her.

I made sure she was the first person I told when I was asked to fill in for Dale Jr. She smiled at me with tears in her eyes and told me how proud she was and that she always knew that I would climb back into a Cup car. She hugged me so tightly that day that I swear it healed my broken soul a little.

I should have known then that I had feelings for her, but I was young and stupid and got involved with someone who pulled me away from socializing with my coworkers when I wasn't at the track. She actually hated that I was a racecar driver and I should have known then that she wasn't the one.

Gwen was there when shit hit the ceiling. I didn't know who else to call when it happened, she didn't question anything when I asked her to come over at one in the morning because I didn't want to be alone. I didn't know who else to call and she was the only one who I could trust. She never judged me for dating my ex when everyone else made snide comments - who dates someone who gets mad at you for being away at the racetrack all weekend? Gwen never questioned me openly as to why I was dating someone so against my profession, which is why I confide in her the moment my ex broke things off with me.

She was the glue that held me together that night and I vowed to make it up to her. So when my PR guy quit, I asked Gwen if she wanted the job. She was more than qualified and I haven't regretted my decision since.

Which brings me back to today, where I regret taking out my horrible race on her. It was only the first race of the season and already I was on myself for how I performed. I know it's Daytona and shit happens, but this was all on me. I threw a block that went haywire and suddenly my car was turning right into a wall with another car hitting me from the side. I not only ended my day, but a few more, including Jimmie Johnson's. He wasn't going to win his last Daytona 500 and that was all on me.