The Unrequited (Dean x Male Reader)

Cry Me a River, Lover Boy

You distinctively remembered the time when your dad had first left you alone at home, a shabby apartment your family had then owned before you'd gotten on the road with him. You still didn't know if he had sold it or if he had leased it but you hadn't seen it again. For some reason, your dad had avoided the whole neighbourhood altogether. Being alone had gotten easier then but the first time, when you had been eight, has been one of the most frightening experiences of your life. 

Your dad had said he'd be back in a day but hadn't returned for an entire week and a part of you had even begun assuming he had died. Your dad had locked the apartment from outside, being sure there was something outside that was after you and had instructed you to not talk to anyone outside or leave the apartment at any cost. Not that you could even if you'd tried, and you remember you had most definitely tried. 

The food had almost run out by the time your dad had gotten home and you were down to your very last inch of whatever it was in you that had kept you together and though you know knew you would've made it for a couple of days more, maybe even more if you could've figured out a way to eat but back then, you had been certain to have seen death if your dad had come home even a minute later than he did. 

Well, this wasn't as bad as that one week had been all those years ago but this was terrifying alright. You hadn't been able to get anything out of Dean throughout the ride back to the motel where you'd stayed the day before the wedding and where Sam and John had been while you were at the hotel. Dean wasn't just scared for Sam, though it was there, but what had scared you in turn what how angry he had been. You had figured out by Dean's reaction that it hadn't been the first time Sam had run away and having gotten to know Dean and John so far, you were genuinely afraid for Sam and prayed that he wouldn't get caught. 

You'd known the minute Dean had said that Sam was gone that he must've gotten an offer letter and adequate scholarship for him to get through college though you didn't know what colleges he had applied for. A part of you was glad for not knowing, afraid that you might've spilt your guts sooner or later if you did but a very big fragment of your conscience was genuinely jealous of him. You'd been begging people like your dad, and Dean and John to let you go to college while Sam had really done it for himself. It didn't really matter now if he was to get caught, though you felt guilty that you would feel at least a little glad if he did, this very act of defiance that you'd been afraid of had entirely crushed you. There were people like Sam on this planet who made their own future and worked towards it while you'd been busy gathering the crumbs and pieces that were handed to you or moreover forced upon you. 

You'd spent your day trying to read, watch one of the available channels on TV, and look out of the window but you hadn't been able to keep your mind quiet or be in control of your thoughts but nothing had worked longer than half an hour at most. That was why you'd been elated, and a little dreadful, when you'd heard the familiar sound of the Impala's engine from outside and had practically run to open the door. 

"Anything?" You asked as Dean walked past you and sat on the couch with a sigh, you rushing to the kitchen to get him a glass of water that he drank without answering you. He had his eyes closed and you could tell he hadn't had a single moment to relax ever since he'd dropped you at the motel and had gone out with John. "Where's John?" You asked.

Dean opened his eyes at that and looked at you with a nonchalant face, "He's not exactly your pal for you to call him by his name, you know," He said and you furrowed your brows since Dean hadn't objected to it before but you apologized anyway. "He left," He said finally with another sigh. "He's asking a few people around, we split our ways."

"You didn't find anything about him?"

"Honestly, Y/N, can you be more stupid?" He snapped at which you shut up and got back to sit at the bed where you'd been reading your book before. So you stayed like that, knowing Dean was pissed off and telling yourself that he hadn't meant it, that was just frustrated and worried for Sam and he had accidentally taken it out on you. To be honest, you didn't really blame him then. It had been a stupid question after all. But what that single insult, that you hadn't exactly heard for the first time, had made you confront certain things you hadn't exactly paid attention to in the past few days. 

Why were you as bothered anyway? What did you care what Dean thought of you? You'd seen his true self just the day before when he'd pinned you down on that bed, and you'd seen how you came much after his family in his priorities. Maybe you had started to like him a little, he'd been your only respite from everything else after all. He could be kind and caring, he had been. Sure enough, everyone pops off every now and then. Maybe you had started to more than just like him and that hint of a realization had left you in pieces and vulnerable.

Dean stayed like that for a long while, his boots still on as he sat on the couch with his hands crossed behind his head and his eyes closed. You would've thought he'd been asleep but you knew Dean well enough to assume that now. If he wasn't snoring, he wasn't sleeping. He did it a lot though, even at night when he pretended to be asleep next to you but just laid there leaving you wondering what he was thinking about. 

It still surprised you and you flinched a little when Dean spoke up though as if uttering out a decision after long and tiring deliberation. "What'd you two talk about that day? Before the wedding?" He asked, meaning the day when he'd left you with him while Dean and John oversaw the preparations of the wedding. You sat up a little straighter and stilled when you saw him looking at you, remembering that had been the day you'd seen him check his college applications. Did Dean know?

"Oh, nothing, really. Just about one of the books," You replied without a thought, afraid that Dean would catch on to you if you took a pause.

"Which book?" He asked, his eyes on you and you knew that he at least suspected that you knew something. 

"Uh, The Color Purple, I think." You said, looking back at him as you saw him get up and walk towards you with his hands in his jeans. 

"Yeah?" You backed up immediately when you saw his stance, and moreover the light bruise on his jaw.

"D-Did John hit you?" You asked, eyeing the bruise as you put your book aside and stood up in front of him. You were about to raise your hand to touch his cheek when he slapped you, steps faltering a bit but you managed to stay standing. "Dean, wh-"

"Is that what you told Sam?" Dean asked, his face expressionless but his hands clenched into fists at his side. "What you told me about dad? That we're all not normal and he should run away?" He said and had just raised his hand when you made a run for the day, only to be caught by Dean by the back hem of your shirt and thrown over to the wall on the opposite side of the room. The impact almost felt like a knife impaling your back and coming out of your chest where the pain had really begun to take shape, leaving you almost unable to breathe.

"I didn't, we didn't talk abo-" You had started but Dean hadn't stopped to listen as he'd held you up and punched you, it hurting ten times than when he'd slapped you and you could taste blood in your mouth before you realize you'd bitten your tongue. You could smell the whiskey on his breath as he huffed at you, his voice a rough grunt that rattled you to the very bone in fear. Tears found their way down your face as Dean punched you again and you closed your eyes, too afraid to look into his eyes. 

"I trusted you," Dean said and punched again, this time in your gut which made you fall over to the floor and he kicked your side until you vomited and he finally took a step back, though his face showed no remorse. "I loved you." You opened your eyes and looked up, holding your gut when you heard the shuffling of his steps. He'd had a knife in his right hand as he stood just a couple of steps from you. "I loved you and you tore my family apart," He said through heavy breaths, his voice wavering with the pattern of his breathing as you saw him crouch in front of you.

"I loved you too," You forced out, half-knowing that if anything could save you from Dean right now was this very sentence and half-realizing that you maybe weren't exactly lying for it, "I still do," You said and closed your eyes as they burned and felt as if they were swelling up as well. "Dean, please," You cried and didn't know how long you stayed on the floor like that as you heard him get up and leave, the sound of the Impala's engine following soon after and you genuinely had no idea if he'd ever come back at all.