Dear Diary

11/12/21: Can't Ask For Help

     Dear Diary...

          Needs therapy

          Wants therapy

          Doesn't ask for help

          Afraid that I'll be rejected

          Afraid that my parents won't believe me

          Afraid that they'll just end up forgetting

          Afraid that ppl might accuse me of attention seeking

          Doesn't want anybody to know I need therapy cuz of this

          Also doesn't trust therapists enough

          Healthcare is expensive

          Adding therapy to my schedule would only bring me more stress cuz I can only have so much free time in my household

          Doesn't know my families medical history

          Doesn't know if medical issues run in my family

          Only has 1 family member with autism that I don't remember & 1 with ADHD

          Neurotypical parents treat me like a normal child & ignores possible issues I may have

          Mother is bipolar

          Wondering if I have depression

          Wondering if mental problems runs in my family

          Can't get help

Must be normal

          Can't show symptoms of my autism

          Can't show signs of possible depression

          Only visibly tolerable symptoms, at least to my family, being stimming by shaking my arms around or flapping them

          Jokes about my issues as a way to cope but they're not funny

          Fucking siblings don't like me

          Probably emotionally neglected as a child

          Definitely emotionally neglected

          Needs help

          But don't wanna take any medications

          Don't want pills

          Don't want to do activities that would mess up how I usually do things unless I'm willing to change them & interested in it

          Fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck

          I shouldn't even be alive

          Should've died after falling & getting my organs damaged & bones broken & lungs punctured

          Should've been kidnapped each time I ran off

          Should've broken my neck instead of spraining my ankle

          Should've drowned, multiple times

          Should've been run over by a car

          Should've choked on water, multiple times

          Should've been badly wounded by dogs instead of running away

          Should've killed myself by now

          But how am I still alive after all of that fucking shit?!

          Can't barely even get my thoughts together to form 1 fucking sentence

          Can't fucking think

          So numb

          So so numb

          So cold

          So angry

          So distant

          Do I belong here?

          I don't think I was born in the right plane of existence

          Was I meant to be born on this world?

          I keep getting nightmares

          Most involve me running during an apocalypse & others drowning

          Only sometimes there's a moment of peace during those

          They mean nothing

          Only means that I'm running away from something & that I'm letting my emotions drown out my logical reasoning

          Help

          Someone?

          No?

          I'll be quiet then

          Nobody listens to kids these day

          So why would they expect us to listen to adults?

          Humans are fucked up
We're fucked up

          There's no going back

          Everyone's going to hell someday whether we feel like it or not

          So fucking tired

♡~K