Dear Diary

1/13/22: Bittersweet Memories

     Dear Diary...

          The moment when you suddenly want to stab yourself in the chest with a knife after remembering good times you've had with friends in the past that you can't really talk to anymore—

          & also not understanding why you just wanna die from those good memories because you had so much fun in each of those & it's just painful thinking of each of them—

          & you had a lot of friends when those memories were made, but now you can only remember a few certain ones because the way they acted stuck to you the most & so did their names—

          & it's just looking back at those memories yrs after you made them & look back at the memories you've made with new friends you talk to often & it's just...

          I hate it, I hate it so much. I can't talk to most of my old friends anymore.

          Idk their socials or their numbers & I never got the chance to ask them since I was grounded for 7 months back when I was a freshman & the app we all talked on was shut down due to decisions made by the higher ups—

          They helped me be the person I became before & after I was grounded & honestly...

          I... I guess I'm just alive so I wouldn't make my friends upset by suddenly disappearing...

          It feels so selfish that I'm staying alive to ensure the happiness of others... But it also feels so selfless because it feels selfish to take my own life...

          & it's just a cycle of "Am I selfish or selfless?" no matter whatever tf I do.

          Just, pick a side & choose? Yes or no? Life or death? Love or hate?

          I've been very conflicted with my morals & emotions & thoughts & beliefs every since 8th grade...

          & I can never decide which seems to be right for me

From, K