Dear Diary...
I'm seriously not fucking eating enough. I just enough where I think I'm satisfied, but then I remember that I can hear my stomach once every few minutes or so & I just—
BOI— I'd make myself something to eat so I couldn't have to eat fucking pizza for once, but I don't wanna do the dishes or clean the fucking counters—
& even if I do end up eating, I'll probably just feel a bit sick after I'm satisfied? Why? IDK! It's not from overeating since I'm practically fucking starving myself each day, which is the exact opposite of what I want.
I'm skinny. I feel like I'm too skinny. I just want to gain weight & not feel a bit sick after my meals or snacks. I don't want to be skinny. I want some meat on my bones.
I wanna be chubby. Chubby enough where I can can be called chubby. Chubby enough where I can actually grab my stomach.
I thought gaining weight would be easy, but oopsie! I keep forgetting that I'm often too depressed to fucking eat much & just feel like shit once I actually eat enough food & feel satisfied. Is gaining weight really that difficult?
I hate it. I hate my fucking body. I hate how skinny I am. I hate how I struggle to bring myself to eat a decent meal. I hate how I'm always fucking hungry, despite always having access to food. I hate how shitty I feel. I hate how ik when I'm hungry & yet I still don't get myself some fucking food. I hate how my shitty emotions affects if I eat or not.
I hate it. I hate it so much. I hate it so fucking much.
I'm not a picky eater, most of the time. Hell, I'd probably down 2 bowls of spaghetti or some shit if it's good or depending on how hungry I am. That'd fill me up & I'd probably go back for 3rds about an hr later or so if it isn't too cold or dry.
Jfc I hate myself so fucking much. I can't bring myself to do even the simplest of fucking tasks & only do them when I'm fucking told to or too fed up with my own bs.
3 slices. 3 slices of pizza. No good. Still hungry, but I'd start to feel sick after a 4th slice.
I'm tired. I'm tired of always hearing my stomach growling. Day & night. No matter what I'm fucking doing, I can always fucking hear it. I'm fucking surprised my lil bro hasn't said anything about it or maybe even some of my classmates whenever I'm at school.
Maybe I should get up earlier on school days so I can get myself something to eat. A slice of bread or Pop Tarts wouldn't hurt if it means I won't have to hear that dreadful growling until the next time I eat.
PLS FOR THE LOVE OF GOD I'M TIRED OF THIS! I HATE THIS! I HATE THIS SO FUCKING MUCH! I DON'T WANT TO FUCKING STARVE MYSELF! I DON'T WANT TO EAT LESS! THEN WHY TF AM I NOT EATING AS MUCH AS I SHOULD?! I FUCKING HATE IT! I HATE IT SO MUCH!
I JUST WANT TO RIP MY STOMACH OUT SO I WON'T HAVE TO FUCKING HEAR IT! WHY?! WHY?! WHY?!
I HATE MYSELF SO FUCKING MUCH! I HATE HOW I'M NOT EATING AS MUCH AS I SHOULD! I HATE HOW SKINNY I AM!
I HATE THE BODYSHAMING DONE BY MY MOM & STEPDAD! I HATE THE BODYSHAMING I DO TO MYSELF! TELLING ME THAT I'M TOO SKINNY & THAT I SHOULD EAT MORE!
I HATE THE BODYSHAMING I ALWAYS SEE! I HATE HOW PPL BODYSHAME FAT PPL! I HATE HOW PPL BODYSHAME SKINNY PPL! I HATE HOW PPL BODYSHAME DISABLED PPL! I HATE IT! I HATE IT! I HATE IT! I HATE IT! I HATE IT!
I JUST WANT TO BE HAPPY WITH MY BODY! I JUST WANT TO BE HAPPY WITH WHAT I EAT! I JUST WANT TO BE HAPPY WITH HOW I LOOK! OR FEEL! OR MYSELF!
BUT NO! I CAN'T FUCKING HATE THAT CAN I?!
I HATE MY BODY! I HATE MY EYES! I HATE THE FOOD AROUND ME! I HATE MY FAMILY! HATE MYSELF!
SOMEONE JUST RIP MY FUCKING THROAT OUT ALREADY! YOU'D JUST BE DOING MY A FAVOR BY KILLING ME!
WHY CAN'T I JUST DO WHAT I NEED TO DO & BE FUCKING SATISFIED?! WHY CAN'T I JUST DO WHAT I WANT TO DO & BE FUCKING SATISFIED?!
IF MY STOMACH OR MIND CAN JUST FEEL SATISFIED WITH WHAT I DO FOR MORE THAN JUST 5 MINUTES, THEN MAYBE I MIGHT FEEL HAPPY!
GOD DAMN IT! ALL I NEED TO DO IS EAT & THEN I WON'T HAVE TO HEAR MY STUPID STOMACH!
WHY AM I TYPING THIS OUT INSTEAD OF FUCKING EATING?!
Jfc I feel like crying. So fucking pathetic. Feeling upset over something so fucking simple. It's really not that difficult. So just get over it. It'll be alright. Okay?
It's not. It won't be alright. It won't be okay. I can't get over it. I won't get over it. It's not simple. It really isn't.
Although I'm right about 1 thing & that I'm fucking pathetic. All I've gotta do is eat enough where my stomach can feel satisfied & then I won't feel like shit.
That's it. That's all. That's all that needs to be done. It's simple. An easy task. Simple enough. Should over with quickly. Shouldn't take more than 10 minutes.
Then why aren't you doing it? Why aren't you eating? It's cuz of that damn phone, isn't it? Shut up... Turn it off! It's not the the phone? Yeah, you're right...
You know you won't upset anybody be eating rn. Your parents are asleep. There's plenty of shitty leftover Pizza Hut. Your siblings aren't eating. It should be good, despite you only liking the sausage when the leftover pizza gets cold.
Why are you just drinking your soda? It won't help much. Yes it tastes good, but it won't fill you up like an actual meal. What? You don't want the pizza? Then what about that Hawaiian bread then? Oh? You're thinking about it? That's good. You like that stuff anyway.
Try to calm down. Take deep breathes. Don't be afraid to eat. You won't get in trouble. You won't feel sick this time. I promise. Now pls, eat.
Do it for yourself, but also do it for the others that care about you. They'd hate to see you so upset. They'd get upset because you are, which will only make you more upset. Being upset just makes you hungrier anyway, especially if you feel like crying or really angry.
Now, just get some bread & try to calm down.
From, K
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Dear Diary
Художественная прозаDaily rants & vents from the perspective of a queer Gen Z teen who was cursed by being born in the 21st century [[Authors note: Tries to upload once every few days]]
