Dear Diary

3/8/22: Hopeless Fantasy

     Dear Diary...

          I don't wanna cry for the 2nd time this wk. I keep imagining myself with a loving family where everything is alright & where we're all actually happy & get along with each other very well— It's just some stupid fantasy that I wish was true & I haven't ever really thought about that sort of thing before, but now I am & idk why— Idk it's just my stupid trauma & emotions & thoughts getting to me, but I don't want to think about it—

          I don't want to cry. I don't want to express my anger. I don't want to express my joy. My fears. My sorrows. My loves. My hates. I can't. I can't show it cuz no matter what, everybody would just look down upon me expressing those things anyway.

          I've been bottling up my emotions for nearly 7 yrs & not expressing myself. I've been telling myself that showing any emotion was a weakness & that I'd become a better & stronger person by forcing myself to keep them to myself & remain neutral to everything unless necessary. Like an off/on switch for my emotions.

          I don't get it. Ever since my parents decided to make everything worse, I've only been getting more & more conflicted on almost everything I've been learning since then & just refusing to admit when I'm wrong or lost—

          I just want to be a normal & happy kid. A happy family. Good grades. Amazing friends. No trauma. No medical conditions. Just a perfectly normal & happy family where nothing bad happened to any of us—

From, K