Dear Diary

. . . S T O P I T . . . P L E A S E . . .

     Dear Diary...

          So I almost had a mental breakdown & almost left my room to shout at my parents cuz my stepmom started an argument with my dad.

          It's not his damn fault the screen door wasn't closed all the way. He was cooking & couldn't check & wasn't the last person to leave the house either. My stepmom was.

          I was just trying to eat my fucking dinner & then she had to come back home started & an argument once my lil halfsis realized that the door wasn't closed all the way. She wouldn't fucking drop it, so my dad left the house to go on a walk & calm himself down. The argument got towards the point where he started shouting & was fucking telling her to drop the conversation. Oh but course she just had to fucking refuse.

          He was even trying to explain the situation to her & she kept interrupting him & wouldn't listen. He also fucking APOLOGIZED to that— That— THAT FUCKING BITCH!

          I wanted to hit the walls in my room. Walk out there & shout at them & tell them to shut up. I didn't. I did neither of those things. Instead I just kept my mouth shut & punched my bed. I couldn't, I just couldn't—

          I knew that I'd only make things worse by shouting. I knew that I'd only make things worse by intervening. I knew that I'd only get in trouble again if I tried to de-escalate things. I learned from the last time I tried & I only made things worse, along with getting myself grounded for a wk & my number & data deactivated.

          It's been more than 5 minutes since he went out for a walk. More than 5 minutes of me typing this. I can't stand her. The argument still has me on edge. My lil bro & lil halfsis were out there in the kitchen when it happened, right by the hallway where the argument happened. She fucking CRIED because of it. I wanted to bring her to my room & comfort & distract her, but I didn't. I would've been overwhelmed by my emotions & the shouting if I stepped foot out of my room.

          I want to protect my younger siblings, I really do. But I can't... I can't so anything you save them from my stepmom constantly starting arguments & blowing everything out of proportion or belittling good efforts & actions. How can I call myself an older sibling, a good one at that, if I can't even protect those I love from what goes on in this household...?

From, K

May 14th, 2022