Dear Diary

5/6/22: Too Much & Never Enough

     Dear Diary...

          Istfg, it's always when I'm feeling hella depressed that I remember why I don't like being in this state. Just feeling so numb, nothing upbeat being able lift my mood or chaos not being able to distract me. If I could go 1 day without getting any suicidal thoughts, that would be absolutely fucking great. My mental health just keeps getting worse.
A shitty English grade cuz I keep getting too depressed to do my work, keeping the fact that I'm in credit recovery cuz of me failing math a secret from my dad, & the aminosity between me & my mom & stepmom deepening almost each time we talk to each other. I can deal with this shit man. The hypocrisy, school, family, everything. I often wonder if things would be better if I had just done things differently. I can't forgive my family for what they've done, but I can't remember why I don't forgive them.

          I just want to get loud. I want to get violent. I want to get destructive. I've been trying healthier ways of dealing with my anger, like talking about it & doing things to calm me down but damn nothing ever seems to work. They would work for a while, but then they'd lose their effectiveness. I remember venting a lot early on last yr. It helped relieve a lot of pressure off of me, but I hadn't realized that it'd cause me to feel so numb for so long. I said everything I wanted to say at the time. I said everything I was feeling. It wasn't enough. There's so much more I'm feeling. So much more I want to say. And yet, I lack the words & emotions to do so. I am incapable of vocalizing or showing or drawing what I'm feeling/saying.

          I feel like a burden. I feel like I bother others with my vents. I feel like I bother others with my rants. I feel like I bother others with my rambles. I feel like I bother others with my excitement. Despite enjoying the company of all whom I consider my friends, I don't feel like I belong. I trust all of them, but I don't at the same time.

          I'm scared. I'm afraid of what might happen if someone I trust/love/care about hurts me again. I'm afraid that others will judge me if I speak what I truly think/feel. I'm afraid of the person I might become if I let my twisted sense of... Everything, gets to me. I'm afraid that if acquired the traits I desire, I'll only hurt others worse than those who've hurt me.

          I don't want to hurt anybody, but I often feel like that I have to hurt others to get my point across. To make others think that my ideals & beliefs may be what keeps shit together, if only for more than a decade at best. I don't want to cause any suffering, but I already do that simply by venting & making others worry about me.

          Can I ever say too much? Can I ever say too little? Is what I do ever enough for anybody? Is it too much or too little? Nothing ever makes sense, so what's the point in anything?

          Everything is too overwhelming, yet underwhelming at the same time. Everything hurts, & yet I don't feel much of anything. Thinking too distracting, yet too focused.

          Everything about me contradicts the other. It's a game of tug-of-war, but there's an known number of sides trying to pull me apart. Everything is too much to handle, yet I need it all so I could distracted myself from the nothingness that tries to consume me with each passing day.

From, K