Dear Diary

9/8/22: Is This Trauma Or Social Anxiety?

     Dear Diary...

          As much as I enjoy talking to interacting with others that have similar interests to mine, just thinking about talking to new ppl feels overwhelming. Idk why, but I feel like that I can't talk to most ppl without thinking about the worst possible outcome & almost causing myself to cry from all of these thoughts. I just wanna be able to talk to new ppl who like some of the things I do without feeling like I'm gonna mess up horribly & cause them to dislike me.

          I've just been feeling more & more lonely since freshman yr. Ever since I lost interest in the 1 thing that made me a new friend back in middle school, I've been struggling to find ppl who had the same interests as me both irl & online. As much as I enjoy talking to ppl online about the things I like, it's not the same as being able to ramble to someone who's willing listen.

          Ik that I'm an introvert, but holy shit I didn't realize just how much of a nervous wreck I'd become once I started to close myself off again. Even if I do make some new friends again, ik that I'll feel left out cuz I'm not saying much & just fade into the background so that I don't take the fun out of what everybody else is doing.

          And as much as I'd love for ppl to start conversations with me, I hate it when they ask me "are you okay" or anything similar to that. Especially if I've been having a bad day or feeling overwhelmed/frustrated. Especially if ik that I might cry if anybody tried to talk to me cuz I'm too upset to talk without sounding like I'm going to cry.

          I really want to talk to ppl & be more open & make new friends. But really? I'm too afraid to approach ppl. I either just wait for them to make the 1st move or I just close myself off & don't let them talk to me. Idk what to do. I don't want to be alone, but I am & I keep doing things that are the opposite of what I want to try & do.

          I miss being younger. I miss how I was back in elementary school, for the most part. I was so open & confident & I wasn't afraid to talk to ppl & speak my mind. Now I'm afraid of saying something that I think might upset others when, in reality, it's completely harmless.

From, K