we're just best friends | wroetoshaw

seventeen

celestes pov:
i had gone out the house with anger flooding through my veins. i was so dramatic and for what, a boy who doesn't like me? i felt as though everyone was against me even though all that they were trying to do was help me. i picked up my pace and started jogging anywhere, it was relaxing. it improved my breathing and i finally felt free from all the anger that has bubbled up inside of me. i sat down on the park bench. the wind blew through my hair as i got out my phone to see what was going on as my phone was blowing up. it was from jj.

from jide😋:
hey, i heard shouting this morning, you okay?

to jide😋:
yeah i'm okay, just needed a bit of fresh air that's all.

from jide😋:
okay ttyl gotta go home to film some things.

i turned my phone off and looked around where i was, it was beautiful. it was winter so it was starting to get a bit more chilly. the cold winters air blew in my face giving me the sense of freedom i'd never felt before. winter was my favourite season and reminded me off all the times when i was in oxford playing in the snow and fallen leaves with my cousins. i wish i was young again and could go back where i didn't believe in love or overthinking. the time when i was innocent. i quickly grabbed my phone and took a couple photos of the atmosphere around me. i decided not post the pics on insta. i know it sounds selfish but i didn't want anyone to find my special spot.
buzz buzz
faith was calling me.

F: hey how are you, your okay right?
C: yeah i'm okay, i'm so sorry for snapping earlier i just wasn't in a clear state of mind. i'm really am sorry.
F: it's okay i shouldn't of assumed the worse. do you wanna go into the shopping centre later me and the girls were going. we were going to invite milly aswell if that's okay?
C: that's fine i'll join you a little later i need to speak to someone.
F: okay be careful love you cel

she hung up the call before i could say i love you back. i had nobody to see, but i just wanted to be alone for a little while longer.

                                  ***
it has been a couple of hours and i was just making my way back to the flat. i needed to get changed as i couldn't go out looking like a rat. i grabbed my key out of the pocket and unlocked my door.
"oh hey cel" i looked in and harry was sat on my sofa.
brilliant just the person i wanted to see
"oh hey harry, wait what are you doing here?"
"i stayed over last night with milly in the spare room i hope you didn't mind"
did he hear all my shouting about being in love with him?
"oh no that's fine i didn't even realise."
"aren't you supposed to be out with the girls right now?, mills told me"
milly this, milly that. will i ever get a break from milly.
"i was but i came back here to get some stuff but idk whether i wanna go anymore i'm not feeling up to it" i went to walk away to my room when a hand grabbed mine and pulled it back.
"cel, are you okay? if your uncomfortable with me and milly being around so much we'll stay away. i know it's awkward after everything that happened" i turned and stared. he was actually going to leave me for milly, the girl he was now in love with.
"i think that would be best" i looked him in the eyes and kept on walking towards my room. pushing away the person i loved most.

i didn't know what time it was but i thought about streaming on twitch. i set up my pc and got started. i was playing the sims 4 as it was my comfort game when i felt down. my whole chat was filled with:
celeste are you okay?
celeste you look really ill
this is your comfort game, what's happened cel?!
"i'm okay guys i just didn't fancy playing any other games" i continued streaming for another couple hours until i stared getting bored. i turned off everything and went and laid on my bed.
did i truly love harry or was it the thought of him?
why do i always push people away who i love most?
what is wrong with me?
i look down at my wrist where the cuts were. the urge was unreal but it was time i had stopped. when bad things happen i can't let the pain get on top of me. i had made a promise. a promise to never do it again, but sometimes promises get broken. and this one did.
TW MENTION OF SH SKIP AHEAD IF YOU DONT WANNA READ THIS PART:
i grabbed the blade out of the draw. people saw cutting as bad for you. i saw it as releasing pain and anger that was trapped inside of me. cutting was a way to cope, a way for me to forget. when all my hope is lost, the blade was always there. it's been there for years, it goes away from time to time but always makes it way back into my hand. every time i do it the cuts get deeper and deeper, but it was a coping mechanism. cutting is like my suicidal thoughts when i can't say them out loud, trying to get it out is hard but the blade helps even if it's only for a short moment. it's the feeling when you finally do it and the blood drips down my arm. cutting is a way to cope and is the cure to all my pain.
THE END IF THE SH PART:
i woke up in a state, i was lying on the floor i hadn't even made it to the bed. i got up quickly but all the blood rushed to my head making me feel dizzy and sick. i hadn't eaten all day so i went out to walk into the kitchen where everyone was stood there...