Mother ~ The Sequel to Breeder

20

I left the room before the boys woke up, kissing them on the tops of their heads, getting dressed and tip-toeing into the hall. Grayson was still asleep, and I didn't wake him. Part of me wanted to, to hold him, forget the fight, kiss every inch of his body, take him inside of me one last time...but I didn't- couldn't. The Resistance Base was asleep and awake at the same time, eerily quiet with a blanket of cold darkness draped across it, and yet people fluttered around, wide awake, preparing for our trip. When they cleaned me up and gave me my instructions, I felt like I was being embalmed, my protective gear a funeral shroud. 

Command D'Acy pointed to my hip. "Phaser."

"Does it kill?"

"No, it only stuns." She saw the relieved look on my face and nodded once. "I thought you'd prefer that." 

"Yes."

"And here, a food pouch, two actually, for..."

"Farrow."

She nodded, whispering, "Lovely name." Her eyes were shiny, and I felt guilty for making her sad, especially considering she barely knew me.

"I'll see you soon, Commander."

She nodded, but she clearly didn't believe me. Instead of responding, she gave me a long, tight hug, the kind you give someone you don't expect to ever lay eyes on again. It's the hug I gave Grayson and the boys before the First Order took me away. All of a sudden I regretted not giving my husband another when there was every chance this time our goodbye would be for good.

"Ready?" Poe asked, sidling up next to me.

"Are you coming?"

He glanced over at D'Acy with boyish enthusiasm, but she merely fixed him with a stern look. "I wish, Astrid, but I have to stay behind and support your mission from the skies. General Organa's orders."

"I understand; you are the best pilot in the Resistance after all."

"But Finn and Han are gonna take good care of you," he said, putting his hands on my shoulders. "Or at least Finn will; I don't really know Han, so I can't exactly vouch for him."

I snickered. "And you know Finn?"

Poe blushed, his mouth gaping as he struggled to find the words, and then Han, Finn, and Chewbacca were beside us, all decked out in similar gear, and our conversation abruptly ended. I tried to make the good feeling last, not linger on the reality that whatever became of the pilot and the Stormtrooper, I wouldn't know about it. Perhaps the chance for anything to blossom would die on this trip, die for me and my son and Kylo Ren's fucking pride.

"Are you ready?" Finn asked me.

I looked up at him, not for the first time seeing my brother reflected in his eyes, though Shawn's were green, like mine, like all my sons except Ben, of course. "As ready as I'll ever be."

"Well, then," said Han, "let's get a move on, we're burning daylight."

Chewie bellowed something incomprehensible to me, but Poe laughed out loud.

Han rolled his eyes, "Yes, I know we'll be in a different system by then and there will be a different sun, but still!"

The pair ambled off towards the Falcon, Finn trailing behind, and me bringing up the rear. Without meaning to, I slowed my pace, my breath hitching in my chest as I struggled to catch it, a single bead of sweat dripping from my temple down my cheek. I hadn't felt fear before this moment. I don't know how I evaded the emotion, but, getting on Han Solo's ship, I felt the panic sink in, my feet dragging involuntarily, attempting to keep me from my gruesome fate. I felt like I was breathing through a straw, breathing with only one lung; any second, my knees would buckle beneath me, and I'd be left a panting, wailing mess on the floor. They'd all look at me, all the rebels who'd sacrificed so much, and turn their noses up in disgust. Everyone else could handle a war, why couldn't I?

"Astrid!"

I eagerly took the opportunity to stop in my tracks, whipping around to see Grayson jogging towards me. I sighed with relief, feeling my lungs compress and expand fully once again.

He stopped in front of me, the back of his fingers hesitantly stroked my cheek. "Were you gonna leave without saying goodbye?

"Uh, yeah, kinda." I looked down at my feet bashfully.

"I'm- I'm sorry for last night-"

"Don't."

"Just let me-"

I silenced him with a kiss. The clearing was quiet except for the whirring of droids and an occasional breeze ruffling the nearby faunal. I pulled back, looking up into his eyes. "I love you, Grayson. And I always will."

He nodded, and I wondered if he understood my meaning. I wondered if I understood my meaning. But it didn't matter; we didn't need to understand our love to feel it.

The adrenaline coursing through my veins almost prevented me from feeling the cold wind on the surface of Starkiller Base as it cut through my clothing- almost. The dampness of the snow sinking through the fabric of my boots, however, could not be ignored, and neither could the thoughts racing through my brain. What would happen when I saw him? What would he do to me? What would he do to my friends, especially his own father? 

"In and out," Finn muttered to himself as we trudged towards an oddly shaped metal building. "Grab Rey, grab Farrow, get out."

He'd been mumbling something along those line intermittently since our messy, light speed crash twenty minutes ago, and every time, it hit me like a dagger in the heart. Finn clearly believed we'd get through this mission without seeing Kylo Ren, as though he'd leave my son somewhere for us to find, and not use him as a direct bargaining chip. It was sweet, honestly, how Finn thought he could protect me.

"The flooding tunnels re over that ridge," the former Stormtrooper said, louder this time, clearly speaking to the whole crew. "We'll get in that way."

"Hey, what was your job when you were based here again?" Han asked.

"Sanitation."

Han and I locked eyes, mouths agape.

"Sanitation?" I squeaked. "I thought you were a guard! How do you know how to disable the shields?"

"I don't," he admitted. 

"You lied to us," Han barked. "You put this whole mission in jeopardy!"

"Without me, there would be no mission!" he snapped before ducking his head. Finally, he raised his gaze to me. "You understand, don't you Astrid? You needed to come here to free your son, and I feel the same way about saving Rey. She's the first friend I ever had."

I blinked silently for a few beat before nodding, starting towards the flooding tunnels. "Other than Poe, right?" I called over my shoulder.

I could practically feel his blushing even though I couldn't see him. "Poe's different."

"I'll bet."

"Wait a minute," Han said, trailing after us, "what about the damn shields?"

"We'll figure it out," Finn assured him. "We'll use the Force."

Han growled as loud as a Wookiee in response. "That's not how the Force works!"