Let Me Rest For Awhile

friday came, nothing

evening of 14th december, you were still shining bright to me like the geminids meteor shower of the season.

"don't forget, you're supposed to give me a treat this christmas," you said mockingly.

"i'm leaving soon anyway," i told you, trying to sound uninterested as much as i was not.

you asked, "when are leaving?"

"saturday," i responded.

"i'm coming home on thursday so friday sounds perfect. we should go out and have fun. friday, it is," you declared.

you remember how i acted uninterested throughout thinking it was another one of your quests; that night itself, i got on a very long video call with my close friends, helping me choose out an outfit for the unbelievable. i decided i was going to go out with you.

the city's annual brutal coldness reached out for my hands, but you reaching out to me held me in place and warmed me as if i had just finished two cups of hot chocolate. i could not stop thinking about you but i knew i should. "remember the curse, the curse, the curse. i am safer alone. i am safer alone." so much chanting in my head.

wednesday came, nothing.
thursday came, nothing.
friday came, nothing.

"what did i tell you? you are the reigning loser here. don't you have any pride? can't you see? he never liked you in the first place. you were safer alone. you were safer alone." ... and so the curse remains after years.

i felt pathetic.
perhaps, you have a taste for pathetic girls who get stood up on dates?
or maybe a fool who still thought you shone brighter than the rest after the brutality of unrequited love?

even if you did like me back, i am mentally mature enough to grasp the concept of us that there won't be any shine of hope and peace in the future. your feelings may not be proclaimed to me or to any of your friends but you recognise it, right?
the way i made you dream about me and my sad heart, my hair and my short skirt.

don't flatter yourself but you are the reason i am running away. i will continue to run until i make peace with myself. in order to do that, i will have to travel the depths and the heights to find my old self again. she has missed me long enough.

for a fact, i know you won't come chasing me into the unknown. i know. because that is not your way.
and i won't stay here and waste my hopes on you liking me back or my hopes on this impossible dream of us being lovers, shush narcissus, i also have my commitment issues. if that dream magically existed, i know we would be destructive, i know i will hurt you more than you will hurt me. i know. because that is my way.