Let Me Rest For Awhile

the hardest part

i did something instead of running away for once. i met my psychiatrist and she asked me the usuals—questions that would decide how much chemicals would go inside my body, mostly my brain, "how are you doing since the last appointment?" a bit of hesitance and awkward pause did wonders, no doubt, i stuttered trying to speak about how misled i've always felt when i try to find love and how desperate i am for the bare minimum. a sheep without a shepherd, lost, soon to run away.

i imagine "a hopeless romantic with MDD" written in the case paper. then i felt second to none as i became aware of how much i could hold inside my fragile heart and mind and how good it felt to understand what i've been through, the chords in my heart singing a different song for me, the stars aligned and i started writing this.

if the prince charming kiss me, i would resuscitate my own self from death but if i kiss the sleeping prince charming, it would've never been enough to wake him up. the worry here is not about him, it is me. it's survival of the fittest until it's time to pick the only one to fall and i'm the first to get thrown into the sea with my emotional belongings and attachments.. and i drown.

maybe someone will find this in the future and realised how much i could love in secret, in hiding; how giant this universe is and still, my feelings will run out of space. it's destiny to be holding your own hand instead of holding somebody else's heart and i learned it the hard way, it takes only self-acceptance to retrieve the invisible gun that is pointed to my head.

and so i used my emotional belongings to will myself aboard, 'i will not sink again this time', i thought. maybe i will build a library out of this and give myself a shelter. a hopeless romantic, a delusional woman, a dreamer or so they call me but these make myself more of myself than a birth certificate ever would. there will always be a piece of me in the words i have written and they tell me... i'll always be loving, hoping, dreaming ceaselessly even if that's all i am in these pages.