Let Me Rest For Awhile

i am selfish

within the 3 hours of sleep, i dreamt of being longed for. to take the ride and let someone drive it. the alarm rang and i got dressed up like i have something to look forward to. pretending is easy, people living across the street would have noticed it by now—i'm still stuck, i'm still here, alone. it's gloomy today, there's a new ice cream cart outside the diner, the next door neighbour's got a new cat and i'm still here tugging on to this old feeling. the suitcase hasn't been unloaded, it is packed with all the things i wanted to say before someone forgets about me.

the hundreds of letters and prose for every someone who comes and goes every so often in my life got stashed away and they are hidden for a reason because what would loneliness mean if people are not fleeting moments? i wrote about the green scarf in one of them, he called me 'the girl in the green scarf' although it's an excerpt from a movie line. i wrote about the guy who made me feel like i was never enough. i wrote a poem about my deceased aunt who reminds me of too much of herself. i laughed writing about another guy who asked me to marry him when we were in middle school, now he has a wife and a child.

maybe it's just me who whines about everything. the longing in the letters are noxious, it's stinks of sickness and utter loneliness. they might always be a part of myself but i don't ever want to make it a part of someone. people say it's abandonment issues, to escape someone's view, but i say the letters know all the secrets.

sometimes in my head, i think that somewhere someone might've longed for me. good thing i did not go beyond that because that was never the gospel truth for me. i'm still here, jaded in a novel where i would always be the side character. i danced with a man, held hands, he made me laugh, i made him interested. the clock stroke twelve at midnight, i ran for myself and the girl i did not want to leave behind, the girl who interacted with a fleeting moment, the girl who was happy but she had to stay, because happiness is not mine in this way.