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Arykaiz struggled with life since her mother left her and her father. At the age of 14 a psychologist told her she has a lot of problems and she is still suffering after 3 years.
When she decides to go to school again she never wanted to...
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I am staying in my bed looking at the ceiling. I woke up before my alarm, with 30 minutes before, having no sleep. I don't usually have insomnia, I actually sleep too much, but now I woke up because my emotions became overwhelming and I am trying to calm down and just focus on something. Anxiety attack... They are happening often, maybe too often but I got used. When I have an anxiety attack I don't freak out or trembling like others, I am zoning out for good minutes and sometimes when I'm alone at home for even hours. It feels like I am a prisoner in my own mind with no way to escape.
It's horrible.
I can't even think at all... just staying there in silence waiting, feeling empty. A panic attack would have been worse, like the one that happened yesterday. I was surprised that the boy actually understood how I feel. That one phrase he said it was enough for me to hope that I am not different and weird. "I don't think this is really what you want." He read me like an open book, he knew that I wanted him to stay, he knew I needed him. He helped me get up before he disappeared behind a corner. I stayed for a couple of minutes just looking in that direction. I couldn't process what just happened.
I eventually break through from my mind where I've been held captive and got on the edge of my bed staying there in silence for another couple of minutes. I don't want to go to school. Now is not because of the interaction with people, it's because I may see him and will not even recognize him. I still can't remember him properly, it's just shades.
I jumped up from the sound of my alarm that scared the shit out of me. Good for you that you forgot to turn it off when you woke up. Stupid. I grabbed some clothes and shoved them on me before getting out of my room. I got downstairs to the kitchen and make something to eat, maybe pancakes orrrr..... :) bake some muffins!!!! Yes I will do the other one.
"Zi, are you downstairs?" My dad called and entered the kitchen right after.
"Yes." I said and showing him a small smile before getting back at making muffins.
"You're making muffins again?!" I stopped and a smirk formed in the corner of my lips. I turned around and tried to hide it but my dad saw it and sight playfully. What can I say, muffins are like art, they are too amazing and colorful and showing so much emotions well not really emotion it's more like the best scents.
"Yes. You know how good they are, they're like heaven!" I said to my dad dramatically. He let out a chuckle and returned to look through his phone sitting at the table.
"How was your first day of school? I'm sorry I didn't had time yesterday to talk with you but I had problems at the company..."
I turned to look at him with a blanc expression. How can he think I am mad. He is working too much anyway.
"How can I be mad because of this? Dad you are more than I could ask for." I exclaimed and put the muffins in the oven. I made toasts for my father and put them in front of him together with his coffee and I sat down next to him waiting for my muffins.
"Thanks cupcake. He returned to his phone and a frown appeared on his face.
"What's the matter?" I asked looking at him with a confused face. He looked at me and stopped what he was doing. He got up from the table and run to his room upstairs and came back in like 10 seconds putting on his coat.
"Sorry little one but something came up and I need to get at the company ASAP. I'll make it up to you in the evening. I promise!" He said and shut the door behind him. Looks like I am alone... again. It's not that bad. I like loneliness but I feel bad for myself for being lonely even if I like it, if that makes sense.
I took the muffins from the oven when the alarm went off and I took two with me. I got out of the house and locked the door. I don't wanna go to school! It's like prison there. We aren't even doing something interactive or creative, we are just writing words on a paper. Boringgg. I'm not a nerd, I don't like school.
What if I bump into that guy from yesterday? I should thank him... That sounds a little cringe but what choices do I have. I can't get him out of my mind since yesterday and I won't deny it, he's attractive. I am the kind of person that analyzes everything so I see a lot, and of course those beautiful features that guy has... he is tall, handsome but...
Stop it! He is not like you... You are not the kind of person that needs a relationship so that they can be loved. I don't need to be loved, I need a person so I can heal, a person that understands me and would never judge me. That's why I can't be in a relationship right now, because all the boys are the same and until I found that one I will have to get through this on my own.
I don't wanna lose control. I try everything to hold my breath so that I won't go into a panic attack. Fighting my anxiety is hard and all the psychologists told me the same thing "You need someone next to you, you need a shoulder to cry on that is not a family member."..... "You can't get through this without a relationship, without someone that can help you get past this." This words hit me like lighting, I just don't like to push myself doing something I am not finding comfortable to even think about...
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Afraid to fall in love... Stupid... Going through the crowd of students that are running to their classes made myself go into overthinking again. It's like how she said, "You can't be single forever!". Humph, such an annoying thing, yet so touchy. I wanted to be alone forever since I was little. I always told myself that I don't need a relationship and I don't want one. I know it's just a lie so that I won't get affected by.
I sighted passing by the multitude of students and trying to go to my class, english. At least I love this class otherwise now I would have been at the corner of this fucking building eating muffins and probably smoking. If my dad finds out I'm screwed. It's much worse for me to smoke because it accelerates your heart beating and I struggle with calming down my heart in some moments so smoking is no good. At least it calms me down.
