Arykaiz

Confused

So I present you Mr. Scott cuz his middle name it's not available now :))

Well of course this is for how. 😅
You can at least see his silver beautiful eyes. 😊

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NO! No no no no no no !!!!! Aghhhh!!! I'm going mad!!! This wasn't supposed to happen. I have a big feeling of deja vù. I feel like I know him and this is not good. I'm letting my walls down in front of a stranger. I let him see me whole, all of me and this will only lead in my destruction.

I can not allow this to happen again. I told this myself since the first time we met when I had a panic attack, but I failed. I feel like when I'm with him I can be myself. This is not good because when people see who you truly are they also know your weaknesses. First thing not to do is let your guard down. And that's what I've done just yesterday and today I'm going to school.

It's fucking 6 in the morning and I can't sleep. I still think what I'll do if I see him at school. Will he ignore me? Will he make fun of me or humiliate me in front of the whole school? Thank you my dear conscience you're a perfect helper, because of you I'm thinking too much again.

Yesterday when I turned around to face him I stopped dead in my tracks. His face is way too familiar and he is way too handsome than my expectations. He just held my waist with his left hand and with the other he held my chin. He wanted me to look in his eyes. That moment got me taken aback, it was like a lightning strike me when I locked eyes with him. His beautiful smile was better than his smirk. He had a soft look and his eyes were holding so many emotions and from the way I was looking at him he knew exactly what he was doing to me. And god he has an effect on me that makes me melt just my knowing his presence in the same room at me.

After we sat there for some minutes he let go of me and told me 'Get home safely." and then left the store. I didn't move for another couple of minutes until I processed everything. I took my shopping cart and gone to the cashier.

I barely slept last night. I had such a peaceful life until now. I never asked for something like this. Who is he? Why the fuck does he act like he knows me?

I don't know what I'm gonna do when I'll go to school. I still have 15 minutes until I need to get ready and I am still thinking about him.

Now that I think about it I really feel lonely. One of my psychologists told me that feeling lonely for a long time it's like smoking 15 cigarettes a day and I am a smoker so this is double I think. Am I that lonely? For some time now my body is acting strange, like knowing that something is not good with me and it's giving me signals.

In the last weeks I feel like there might be a way out of the darkness I live in. My mind it's like a dark abyss. Since I met him my life became a little interesting and I think that gave me hope. I don't wanna hope or get attached because people who feel too strongly are the first to fall and broke.

••••••••••••••

I'm surprised I didn't had a panic attack on the way to the school. The hallways are empty meaning that I'm late again. It's a talent of mine to be late to class again. My first class is...... English. Not again. That teacher hates me. Well I quarreled with her on my first day so. Wait! I have this class with him! I think I can still get out of here. He he. Ugh nope I'll go. At least I like this subject.

I stood in front of the class door playing with my fingers and breathing heavily. Felling my legs numb became such a familiar feeling. Thinking about the worst case scenario made me wanna run away until I still can, but no, I need to enter that classroom.
I think of it rather like a challenge. Let's see if I can handle it.

I put my hand on the doorknob and I felt a presence on my back and stopped from opening the door. I swear if it's him again!

"You are late again." He whispered in my ear and put his hand on mine and opened the door.

I turned my head to see him. He had a little smirk on his lips and waited for me to get in first. I looked at my hand that he touched and still felt his warmth but shoved that feeling away and entered the classroom. I was met with the eyes of my teacher that looked angry.

"I won't say anything cuz even if I say something you will talk back anyway both of you." She said and let her glasses down on the table. She stared a little then looked back in her book. We made our way to "our" seats and sat down.

"So open your books at page 35 and let's start the lesson." The teacher announced and chose a student to read from the book.

I can't concentrate because my mind keeps flying to the boy next to me. He is looking at the teacher tho. I turned my head to my left and looked at him. He is wearing sweet pants and a hoodie. I bet under these baggy clothes he has an amazing body, it feels like he is that person that hides his beautiful god body.

He turned his head and he looked at me. He looked in my eyes for a couple of seconds then close the distance between us. I can feel his breath on my lips so I moved back a little so he is not so close. I was starting to panic and I think he noticed. He got closer again and I tried to move as far as I could. He took my hand in his and pulled me closer to him but not so close as before.

"Why are you so afraid of?" He asked so softly and looked me in the eyes. He looks concerned but I look surprised and frightened.

No one asked me something like this. All the people I know just asked me the same questions 'Why are you reacting this way?' or 'Are you ok? Do you need help?', but no one ever asked me if I was afraid. Why am I afraid of? I already know the answer but I am not ready to accept it.

"Hey it's ok." He said and pulled me into him and wrapped his right hand around the back of my waist so that no one could see.

When he said that I realized I was having problems with breathing. I can hear my heart beats beating so loudly in my ears. I can feel the gasps for air that are just useless. This is like a painful death, you feel how you remain without air and how your body is trying to keep you awake but with no use. In the end you will still die, slowly.

"You know you are not alone here." He said nuzzling his nose in my hair.

Tears started to form in my eyes and I can feel like I have no control on my body. I want to scream, I want to get down on my knees, scream from the top of my lungs and cry. These are the only moments when I can cry and when I want to.

He started to move his hand up and down my back and squeezed my hand.

"Ary, concentrate on my voice. Feel how my nose is nuzzled in you hair, feel my hand squeezing yours, feel how my other hand is moving up and down your back." He said and I turned around to look in his eyes.

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