Catharsis || Lashton AU - boyxboy

15. frelsa

"And if the world don't break,
I'll be shaking it,
'Cause I'm a young man after all,
And when the seasons change,
Will you stand by me?
'Cause I'm a young man built to fall."
-Young the Giant, Mind Over Matter ☯

l.h.

I didn't want to see Ashton again.

And I was very conscious of the fact that that may have possibly made me a very terrible person.

Every time I thought about the way I pulled my sleeves up so thoughtlessly and the way his fingers felt on my attempts and the way I spilled words to him like a waterfall, it made me feel very frantic. Frantic in the way that gives you cotton-mouth and makes it feel like the walls are closing in on you.

I didn't like that I allowed him to know so much so soon.

It took months until I allowed Sully in on anything. He didn't know anything further than my favorite color until I'd deemed him trustworthy enough to know a bit more of the darkness I was shrouded in.

So it wasn't anything against Ashton, really; no further than the fact that he scared me so terribly.

I didn't want him to know so much about me.

Because I hadn't yet been able to decide whether I believed he'd stick around or not. Because if I don't have the time to make that judgement, then he leaves, and when he leaves, he takes my secrets with him. And I hated the idea of a stranger knowing more about me than people who'd been my friend for months.

Noël only knew as much as he did because he was the one who'd caught me mid-break. He's the one who'd dragged me kicking and screaming into the clinic. He's the one who stopped me a fifth time. I'd probably be dead if it weren't for him.

So he was the stranger I'd made an exception for. The only one.

I liked Ashton a lot, trust me, but he was the kind of guy who got too close and then disappeared.

And I hated that.

The disappearing. The constant disappearing. I always worried I'd never see him again.

So I made the executive decision to try and cut him out before he could do the same to me.

Though, considering he knew both where I lived and worked, if he'd decided he wanted to see me, I knew it'd be something of a challenge.

I was on my way to work just then, speaking of, though I really didn't want to go. It'd only been a few hours since Noël had so angrily criticized my life choices and then left me alone and cold in the park.

And though I very much wanted to go home and sleep for a few years, I knew that I'd taken advantage of Sullivan's understanding too much the past few months, and I didn't want to be the person who made his life harder than it already was. So I sucked it up and dragged myself to work anyway.

I cringed inwardly when the bell on the door rang rather loudly, and I wasn't surprised to see the shop almost empty by the time I got there. It was around eleven, and there wouldn't be too many customers for another hour or two, and I'd missed the morning rush, which I felt quite bad about. But, well, better late than not at all, right?

"Noël found you, I assume?" Sullivan asked, rather uninterested as he wiped down the counter. He looked up at me as he awaited my response.

I sighed. "Unfortunately."

Sullivan chuckled lightly while I hung up my coat and retrieved my apron. "Oh yeah? What'd he do this time?"

I chuckled very tiredly, tying a loose bow with the strings behind my back.