Catharsis || Lashton AU - boyxboy

18. frigivelse

"You give me something to think about,
That's not the shit in my head,
You're a miracle."
-PVRIS, St. Patrick

 

l.h.

I had made a deal with Sully a few days prior that I didn't have to take my meds if I was having a good day.

He completely and 100% protested the idea, because he said that if I didn't take them every day no matter what, I would always be walking the tightrope between good and bad. I thought maybe he had a point, but I objected to it regardless. They had a knack for making me feel nothing and I thought I'd rather feel terrible than nothing at all.

But because of that deal, Sully had made me take a tablet and go home to sleep it off after Ashton left. He'd mumbled under his breath for a moment about how he 'had no idea what was going on between us' but that it was 'weird as fuck'.

I didn't think there was anything going on between us. I just thought that Sully was exaggerating the whole thing and trying to turn it into something it wasn't.

I wasn't there long enough to say any of that, though, because he'd called Cassie over to come walk me home. They were kind of taking turns babysitting me and I hated it.

I hated all of this.

I hated that I was fine skipping out on medication and therapy sessions until Ashton came along. And I knew, deep down, that it wasn't Ashton's fault I felt this way, but there was just this itching on the inside of my head that was just screaming at me about how I was happy until he came in.

And so that's why I felt like I just couldn't handle him anymore. I thought that maybe, just maybe, if I cut him out, things would get better again. But thus far, they hadn't gotten any better. If anything, things were worse, because now I was down a girlfriend and two best friends.

I hated that I hadn't been thinking of Nöel at all. Hated that so much. I was being so selfish and all I was thinking of was myself and Ashton and nothing else.

That was how I knew it wasn't Ashton's fault. I knew it wasn't Ashton's fault because he was thinking of everyone but himself and I was only thinking of me.

Everything just felt so exhausting now. It felt like there were weights tied under my eyes and on my arms and legs and I just felt so weighed down on all of my parts.

Nothing felt easy anymore.

Even the cup of coffee I was pouring felt like an uphill battle, and it was just coffee. It was four in the afternoon and it was the first time I'd gotten out of bed since I went home from work the day before.

Mido hadn't stopped harassing me all morning until, I thought, maybe he'd finally given up when he'd realized I just wasn't feeling up to it. He was curled up on the nice leather sofa, but I didn't force him down; I thought it was good enough that at least one of us were happy.

There was a knock at the door then, when I was leaning against the counter watching Mido from the other side of the room. He reacted a lot faster than I did, though, when he jumped down of the sofa and began clawing at the door.

I sighed heavily. "Mido." I said sternly, but he didn't stop.

I stared at him for a moment, far too tired to deal with him. "Mido!" I demanded again, rather harshly, though he stopped and looked up at me before scurrying away to hide.

I wandered over to the door, opening it rather reluctantly without looking through the peephole because I knew without looking that it was Sully.

Only, it was a set of honey-colored eyes instead. And they looked a lot less friendly.

"Alright." he demanded, with his fists balled tightly at his sides. "I'm not playing this game anymore."

I just looked at him blankly. He took a few steps in the doorway, though I resisted moving due to the absolute lack-of willpower to do so, which resulted in him standing shamelessly almost between my legs.

I didn't respond.

"You can tell me what I did, or I'll beat it out of you, faggot." I didn't understand his crude words. Just a day earlier he had been in tears trying to figure out what he'd done, and now he was standing far too close for comfort, calling me names and threatening me. Whether this was a new mental tactic or genuine rage, I was not sure.

I cocked my head to the side, ignoring his aggressive advances unlike what I was sure he wanted.

"Did you fucking forget how to talk?" he snapped, shoving me by the shoulders harshly, sending my cup fumbling out of my bandage-clad hands and shattering it on the ground. I just stared down at the mess while Ashton held tightly onto my shoulders like he feared I would flee if he didn't. "God, what the fuck is wrong with you?"

I stared at him silently for a moment, very tall and still and rigid, while his eyes were nearly bursting out of their sockets.

"Both my parents and my brother are dead." I said, trying to find a taste for the words, while Ashton stepped back a few inches with his eyes a lot less bulge-y. "My other brother could be dead from an OD for all I know." I said coldly. "And I am apparently crazy because I won't take medication that makes me feel like nothing."

He was silent.

"My girlfriend talked to my brother a few days ago and obliged by his wishes rather than mine and didn't tell me until hours after he'd left." I continued, remembering the feel of the crumpled letter in my hands. "My best friend treats me like a toddler because he's afraid I'm gonna kill myself." I shrugged. The coffee on the floor was starting to leak around my bare foot. "My other best friend won't talk to me because I think he doesn't want to be around when I do kill myself."

I moved my gaze from the corner of the room back down to Ashton's eyes, feeling as cold as I probably looked.

He said nothing.

"To answer your question in short," I started, stopping halfway through because Ashton's eyes were bulging again but in a much less aggressive way. "There's a bottle of aspirin in the cupboard and I'm fighting to see what's stopping me."

He was closer now--his leg back (almost) between both of mine, and his hands were a lot more fidgety like he wasn't sure what to do with them anymore. He was suddenly very close and I wasn't sure what to do with that.

I could feel his fingertips ghosting across my cheekbone while his eyes flickered around my face like was trying to find some kind of giveaway as to what I wanted him to do, only, I didn't know that myself.

He stopped his fingers on the skin behind my ear and laid his hand flat, running the other up my side from my hip, and I was shivering very subtly at his touch, and though everything felt so distant, I distinctly remembered his soft lips brushing against mine. And though my hands remained at my sides while his held onto my face for dear life, I was glad in a way that he could read me so well as to not drift away.

And when he finally pressed his lips firmly against mine, it was a lot different than it was the first time because it was so much less desperate and grabby and there weren't hands all over the place. It was just his hands on my cheeks and his lips on mine moving slowly in sync and it was everything in the way that it wasn't nothing.

Because one moment I was feeling nothing and the very next I was feeling everything again.

 x

 i was going to upload this last night but i'm trash so i didn't. 

you're welcome tho.