Catharsis || Lashton AU - boyxboy

29. haeje

"A hollow tune within the fire,
I feel them breathe, so uninspired
My broken hands, my weary bones,
I sit my words beside my throne."
-Brick + Mortar, Hollow Tune

l.h.

A few days after Sully'd been admitted to the hospital fulltime, one of the doctors that had been watching over him pulled me aside to let me know his surgery was today. Sully knew, surely, but I wasn't surprised he didn't want to tell me. I hadn't left since the first day; I went with him like he asked, and then, as the night progressed, and Sully vented to me for a few hours, I found it impossible to leave. I thought of going home, spending the night there before coming back the next day, but I couldn't do it. Sully was terrified of me seeing him like this, I knew, but I couldn't leave him there all alone. I didn't want him to feel alone for even a second.

No one else had come to visit because no one else really knew. Nöel hadn't come by, which both surprised and infuriated me. I figured he wasn't coming because he knew I'd been here, and he was too much of a coward to come visit his dying friend if it meant having to see me. I was offended for Sully. Sully deserved to have his friends with him, but it didn't surprise me that Nöel didn't care enough for anyone but himself to come. Asshole. I'd have to get Ashton to kick his ass later.

Well. I guess I'd have to kick his ass on my own. But still.

Audrey didn't know, I assumed; neither did Cassie--I knew that much. I wasn't sure if our boss knew, either, but I hoped for his sake he did, because I wasn't there and neither was Sully, and he was obviously never there. No one would have been there to open this morning. Whatever. It wasn't a big concern of mine at the moment.

Sully laid in his bed across from me, less than an hour before they were going to start prepping him for surgery. I was seated in one of those uncomfortable old hospital chairs, hands clutched too tight on the armrests, face pale and maybe even a little green. I was sick to my stomach, overwhelmingly so, and just looking Sully in the eyes sparked a wildfire inside of me that couldn't be put out. But I knew that he wouldn't have wanted me to feel that way; he would've wanted me to be laughing and joking and making the best of what was left. But it just wasn't enough. There just weren't enough scraps left to build anything worth the time.

Sully smiled weakly at me, and I found it strange how he seemed to become so much weaker, both mentally and physically, once he came here. Before, he was waltzing around on tiptoes, glowing, almost. He must've been fighting it hard to have had me fooled. The Sully I knew three days ago was far different from the Sully laying in front of me now. Now that I knew, I could really see his sunken in face and the jaundice setting in heavily through his tan skin. His eyes were yellowed and he looked so weak, so beaten down, so thin. He wasn't doing well. Anyone could see that and it fucking terrified me.

He rolled a hand down off his stomach where it laid and reached for me weakly, and I took it shakily, nerves washing over me. My hand shook in Sully's like a feather in a hurricane, where I was the feather and Sully was the hurricane. Or maybe it was the other way around. Maybe I was the hurricane all along. Maybe I was only trying to blame the feathers around me for getting sucked into my path. Maybe I just never realized it was me all along--my fault.

"You can't be more nervous than me, Luke." he said, laughing. It was a hollow laugh--the kind of laugh you hear from someone who's dying. I hated that I couldn't think of him without thinking of that. Of death. I hated that I was so familiar with it all. It scared the shit out of me.

"I'm not nervous." I said quickly, unevenly. He gave me one of those looks, like he always used to before, and it makes things the smallest bit easier to deal with for the next few minutes, I thought. It was difficult to handle it all like this--nothing at all and then everything laid out at once.