Catharsis || Lashton AU - boyxboy

20. faoiseamh

"You say your heart is made of glass,
If you fall apart then I'll glue you back,
Well I'm made of paper mäché,
And I'll blow away if I can't make you stay."
-Christian Burghardt, Safe Place to Land

 

l.h.

I found it rather hard to stay focused on the two kids clinging to me like their life depended on it (it was also hard to admit that on some level, that was slightly true), when Ashton was God knows where with a gun in the heart of New York City.

I'd tried to remain as calm as I could manage, because I knew that if I couldn't stay calm, then, not only would the kids freak out as well, but I would force myself into an anxiety attack and make everything a million times harder than it already was.

"Luke, you can take us to Gram's, ya know." Lauren said, her hand still tightly gripping mine despite her lathargic tone. Harry pulled his head from my shoulder where he'd been sitting in silence the whole time, and nodded in agreement.

I furrowed my eyebrows in worry. I didn't know how well I could trust the same woman who had disowned Ashton years ago. "You'll be safe there?" I asked, frowning.

Lauren shrugged. "She feeds us, washes our clothes—you know, the important stuff. An' I can take care of Harry."

My frown deepened. Did no one in their whole family know how to raise kids, for God's sake? "Why don't you guys come back to mine?" I asked, though, I planned on taking them regardless of their answers, so as not to abandon them with that questionable woman.

As we walked down the sidewalk, Lauren gave another shrug of her shoulders. "Sure. I think Ashton might show up there, too, an' I needa talk to him."

I chuckled lightly at the way Lauren took responsibility for him, though, a bit deeper down, I felt guilty that that job had fallen on such a young kid.

"Yeah?" I asked after deciding it'd be best not to voice those previous thoughts. "I need to speak with him, too."

We were about two blocks from my apartment when Harry, who'd yet to speak the entire time, raised his head. "Psstt," he whispered.

I turned my head slightly to look at him. "Hmm?" I hummed in response.

"Don't tell Lauren," he said in a hushed tone. "But I think Ashton likes you."

I could hardly control the blush tinting my cheeks, before I coughed awkwardly. "Oh yeah?" I whispered back, so as not to let Lauren hear like Harry had requested.

"Yeah." he replied. "And he hasn't liked anyone since Miles."

"Harry!" Lauren hissed, stopping in her tracks in the middle of the sidewalk. "You idiot! Ashton's gonna kill you!"

I furrowed my eyebrows, glancing from Lauren, who was still frozen in her place, to Harry, who had a hand clamped over his mouth.

"Who's Miles?" I asked, ignoring the people shoving past us for stopping in the middle of the sidewalk.

I looked to Harry for the answer, after deciding he was the undoubtedly the least secretive of the two, though he just shook his head at me vigorously. I glanced to Lauren, who just smiled a small smile, before looking forward and dragging us back along.

"In good time, Lucas, in good time." she said, and I laughed, because she sounded just like her older brother.

When we got to my apartment, Lauren didn't seem to have a problem making herself at home, really, by the way she wandered straight in and began sorting through my books on the bookshelf across the living room. Harry, however, had continued holding my hand after I'd set him down.

"You read, Lauren?" I asked with a snicker, as she looked at the titles and either wrinkled her nose at them, or nodded in approval.

"Nah, not really, but Ashton does." she said, flicking through the pages of Hamlet. "Oh, wow, Luke. Ash is gonna really like you if you read this Shack-es-peare guy."

I snickered quietly to myself, wandering over to the bookshelf where Lauren was, because I kind of thought that maybe if I distracted myself a little the fire inside of my lungs would cease.

"I don't read much of him, no," I said. "My dad gave me that play when I was fifteen, and I loved it. Plus I had to read Romeo & Juliet for school."

Lauren nodded, placing it back on the shelves. She turned back to me then, cocking her head to the side as she met my eyes. "What's your dad like?"

I inhaled deeply, because the last thing I needed was to pile my dad on top of all the other stress straining my shoulders. Of course, I couldn't say that, though, because Lauren was just a kid and she didn't know what had happened, so it wasn't her fault.

"He was a good man." I just nodded, breaking my gaze with her. "He past away last year, but he left the world as a good man."

Lauren grinned up at me. "Don't worry, Luke. He's watchin' over ya in Heaven."

I didn't know how to tell her that I'd given up that belief years ago, so I didn't. "I know." I said instead, smiling, because it was a nice break from the pity I usually recieved.

There was a knock at the door then, and though I knew full well that it was likely just Van Gogh or something, there was a spark of hope in the pit of my stomach that it might be Ashton. So when I released Harry's hand momentarily and opened the door, quite ready to be disappointed, my heart almost stopped when I saw Ashton standing there.

I threw my arms around his shoulders and pulled him into my chest before I even had the chance to see his face, burrying my face in his hair with a huff of relief. I hugged him so tight I almost feared I might break one of his ribs, but I didn't care. I cared that he was okay and I cared that he hadn't done anything stupid and I cared that he came here.

"Don't you ever scare me like that." I breathed, squeezing an arm around his shoulders and tangling one in the hair on the back of his head to hold him even closer.

He didn't say anything, though, and he didn't hug back either. Though, of course, I didn't release him under either of those circumstances, because I simply didn't care.

"The clip was empty." he mumbled, a shattered kind of tone to his voice. I shook my head and squeezed him tighter against me.

"I don't care." I said. "It's okay, I don't care." I squeezed my eyes shut, and then he wrapped his arms back around me and it was then that I noticed he was shaking.

"Shh," I hushed him, brushing my lips along the curve from his neck into his shoulders. "It's all okay. You're okay. You're here and Lauren and Harry are here and everyone is okay. We're all okay, okay?"

And it was in that moment entirely when I began wondering when things had become so different.

 x

so i'm not sure how greatly this really affects anyone, really, but i apologize for not updating very often anymore, and i'm sorry the updates are shitty when i do. i've just some stuff going right now and it's hard to sit down and write when it constantly feels like my chest is caving in, so, there's that. so yeah, sorry for a lack of good updates/updates in general. i suck, i know.