Catharsis || Lashton AU - boyxboy

23. pakawalan

"Sorry I couldn't be there, I was tied to a rocking chair,
I was beat down to a pulp rocking back and forth somewhere,
If you knew, if you saw, you'd have said it was the final straw,
That my life was bound and tethered on a porch by the shore."
Passion Pit, It's Not My Fault, I'm Happy

l.h.

The thing about life after high school was that life was supposed to get easier.

Adults weren't supposed to call you out for kissing boys because adults were supposed to have more important things to do. You weren't supposed to hear the word 'faggot' thrown at you from anyone other than high school boys in the locker room when they think you're staring at their junk but really, your standards are higher than they'll ever understand simply because they don't understand that most typical gay men aren't attracted to arrogant boys with no leg hair and a small willy.

At least, this was the only thing I could think about after Ashton told me a bit about this Miles and the harassment he'd first suffered from taking part in that play.

I just didn't understand the issue with being gay. I didn't understand why straight people thought they were so entitled to get involved in what it means to be gay.

I tried not to get involved, because that was business of gay people and gay people only and I would've hates to be that straight guy who ended up neck-deep in stuff that just flat out didn't concern him in any aspect.

I wished Ashton hadn't had to know so much suffering for being gay (or, for seeming gay, if he was still going to play the 'not gay' card). Nope, I said I wouldn't get involved. None of my business.

"Was Miles your boyfriend?"

The room had been silent since we stopped talking earlier about about his best friend, and I'd broken it very quickly with a question I worried might've gotten me killed.

Ashton didn't panic like he usually did, though; however, he didn't answer the question.

He sighed heavily.

Then he took a deep breath.

"Do you--Do you remember that time I told you how my dad walked in on me and--me and that guy?" he asked, his voice breaking. I nodded. "Miles. That was Miles."

I held my breath for a moment. I hadn't heard much about this Miles aside from Harry's brief mention, but something about picturing Ashton like that and Miles like that, let alone picturing the events that carried on afterwards with Ashton's dad, made my mouth taste acidic. I didn't like to picture Ashton like that to begin with. I liked Ashton right now--I liked thinking that he only let his guard down for me. And maybe it was some sick, narcissistic complex, but I didn't like thinking that there was someone else out there whom he trusted more than me.

Especially not someone like Miles who ditches you right when the going gets tough.

I ran a hand through Ashton's unruly hair and sighed. I wished there had been something I could've told him to make him feel like he wasn't so alone in this, but I'd never blown a guy, therefore I'd never been caught blowing a guy, and my father was a good man, and my mother didn't do drugs, and my best friend didn't abandon me when I went batshit, and I had such a vanilla life compared to what Ashton dealt with every day of his fucking life and it wasn't fair, dammit, it wasn't fair that Ashton had all this weight on his shoulders and it's like there was none on mine.

I thought that if I could've, I wouldn't have just take a few pounds, or even half of the weight. I would've taken every fucking pound of it off his shoulders and let it crush me if it meant he could've breathed freely and un-handicapped for just a short while.