Catharsis || Lashton AU - boyxboy

21. lirim

"I missed your skin when you were east,
You clicked your heels and wished for me."
-Panic! At the Disco, Northern Downpour

l.h.

Ashton had checked in with Lauren and Harry, and not soon after, disappeared out the door with the two of them in tow-where to, I didn't know. He was taking them somewhere aside from their dad's house-I hoped-and then-I hoped again-he would come back here.

But for the time being, I thought I might try to go sort out at least a little bit of my life, so as not to drown too far under the surface later on, granted I don't solve everything (I never would). If Ashton came back while I was out, he knew where the spare key was, and I simply hoped he would wait inside for me to return.

I slipped on my jacket with a bit of reluctance, but pushed it aside before grabbing my keys and plodding down the hall to the lobby.

Once I'd stepped out into the cool, sharp air, I'd nearly instantly regretted it. The collective pain of the air nipping at my skin and the fire lit inside of my body was far too much to handle, but I decided that I didn't get to care about that. I had done some terrible things the past few days and it was my job to go and fix them, and I wasn't allowed to think about myself right now.

So I didn't.

And when I'd finally climbed the several flights of stairs up to this strikingly familiar white hardwood door, I had to suppress the part of me that wanted to turn and book it out of here because, like I'd said, this was no longer about me. It couldn't be. It never could be.

I raised my hand slowly and knocked weakly against the door, waiting impatiently and anxiously with shaky legs until the door opened to reveal Audrey.

Her eyes widened slightly when she saw me, though I tried to avoid her eyes as much as possible.

"God, Luke," she breathed, and I still wasn't looking at her. "You look like Hell."

I scoffed very unconvincingly, wishing it sounded more humorous. "Thanks, Hepburn." I returned, because I hoped that maybe that nickname she hated might draw her attention from me away.

"Shut up." she snickered, giving me little shove to the shoulder, before tucking a lock of her ginger hair behind her ear. "Want me to get Noël..?" she trailed off, motioning into the apartment with her thumb.

I nodded, deciding I probably wouldn't be able to say so with my voice as questionable as it'd gotten the past few days. She stepped to the side and motioned for me to come in, which I did so reluctantly, because I was already shaking a bit, and being inside meant there was no real way out. I shoved my hands in my pockets, preparing for the confrontation.

"Noël!" she hollered down the hall, and after a moment, he came wandering out to see what she needed. And when he saw me, he froze a bit, tilting his chin up towards me like some type of defense mechanism.

"Lucas." he stated, and I sighed. I felt guilty as ever.

"Noël." I replied, though I was much softer than Noël, I was sure of that.

I didn't say anything else, because, not only did I not know what to say, I didn't trust my voice not to waver long enough for me to speak a word regardless.

He squinted his eyes slightly and looked me up and down, and it was around then that Audrey had disappeared upstairs so as not to interrupt whatever this was.

"You've not taken your medication this morning." he said, and he wasn't wearing his glasses, and he didn't look like himself and that made things ten-million times worse and I didn't know why that was.

I couldn't handle looking at him anymore, so I opted for the wooden floorboards instead.

"I didn't get the chance." I replied. "Sully's been keeping 'em for me and I had stuff to do."

He looked at me for a moment, almost completely still. A moment passed, and he nodded. "Are you not competent enough to handle that on your own?"

I winced slightly, because, regardless of whether Noël meant that in a harsh way or merely said it so unknowingly, it stung in the depths of my lungs.

I inhaled deeply. "Nah," I said, sighing, "You try to kill yourself with 'em once and suddenly you're not allowed to handle your own medication anymore."

He didn't wince the way I did. I thought that hurt more than his previous statement.

"I was not informed of this incident, it appears." he stated, still having yet to move from his spot across the room.

I was getting a bit angrier as Noël continued, and suddenly, I didn't feel very guilty anymore.

"Yeah." I nodded. "Yeah, that's what happens when you throw a tantrum over someone else's life choices and disappear for a week, ya'know."

Still he didn't wince, though he squinted his eyes again and I didn't know what that meant.

"I apologize." he said and bam, I felt very guilty again. I wanted to return the statement but I was far too busy hating myself to bother. I looked up, finally, and he was staring at me with red circles under his eyes and I didn't know how to breathe right.

"Noël..." I trailed off.

"No, Luke," he said. "You're right."

He was throwing gasoline right on the fire in my lungs and he didn't even notice.

"Noël." I said a bit sharper this time.

"No," he said sharper as well. "I mean it, Luke. You're a grown man. You're entitled to make your own choices. You don't want to take your medication? Don't. You don't want to go to therapy? Don't. You don't want to change? Don't. It's your choice. We shouldn't be bothering you so insistently all the time. It's not our place."

And I wanted to tell him he was wrong-wanted to tell him the he had been right and I wanted to tell him that I'd been taking my meds and I'd even gone to a therapy session already and now he was tearing it all down and I didn't know what I was doing and everything hurt.

Everything hurt so I just nodded curtly and turned away and slammed the door behind me hoping that maybepossiblysomehow he would understand how badly that had hurt me without my having to say anything.

I hoped, but knowing Noël, he wouldn't understand and that hurt even more and God, everything hurt.

x

I turned up back at my apartment an hour or so afterwards, and I was surprised in a very good way when I was confronted with Ashton curled up and sleeping on the couch on the other side of my living room.

I smiled gently to myself before slipping off my jacket and boots, and even stripping myself of that ratty black sweatshirt I wore to cover my arms and it felt weird to feel air on my arms again, but I tried not to think anything of it as I walked over to Ashton.

He was curled into a ball in the corner of the sofa, and I'd very gently (so as not to wake him) lifted him into my lap before pressing a kiss to the top of his head and smiling as he nuzzled into me.

And I thought it was kind of crazy how all he had to do was subconsciously twist his fist in my t-shirt and bury his face in my side and suddenly things didn't hurt so bad anymore.

x

so this was kind of shitty. sorry.

anyway, you can thank a very angsty ryden/brallon fic i read today for the song choice. ouch. (enjoy this video of 2008 ryden performing northern downpour bc it makes me v emo.)

i have not been doing very well lately, but you guys are sweethearts and it makes me hurt less when i get to talk to you guys. i love you nerds.