Catharsis || Lashton AU - boyxboy

19. išlaisvinti

"All you sinners,
Stand up, sing hallelujah,
Show praise with your body,
Stand up, sing hallelujah,
And if you can't stop shaking,
Lean back, let it move right through you."
-Panic! At the Disco, Hallelujah

l.h.

Ashton didn't leave after that.

And he didn't not leave against my will. I had told him there wasn't much I could offer aside from a cup of coffee and an explanation at best, but that seemed to be more than enough for him. So I poured him a cup of coffee without bothering to pour myself a cup, nor clean up the broken mug on the floor by the door.

I was sitting on the counter with my back against a cupboard, while Ashton sat on a stool instead. His hands were wound tightly around his mug while mine just laid limp in my lap, and no one was saying anything, but it was okay.

It was the most civilized we'd been in a while. So it was kind of nice, rather.

"I wasn't ignoring you." I spoke after a moment, even though it was kind of a lie. I was ignoring him. I just wasn't ignoring him for the reasons he thought.

He stared off into space, eyebrows furrowed slightly. A few moments passed, then he nodded. "I know."

"I have lost everyone that I care about." I said, shifting the words from one side of my mouth to the other because they just didn't feel right anywhere. "Sometimes I just, I just do these things and I don't know how to... How to not do them, I guess."

It was silent for a moment, and Ashton wasn't quite looking at me and, though it felt a bit like razor blades, I understood. I wouldn't want to look at me either.

"I know." he replied a bit dejectedly. He stared down into the swirls of milk in his coffee, showing more interest in them than he really had in me the whole time, and I hated myself violently for making him feel this way.

He didn't say anything after that, and I didn't either. Because, yeah, I meant what I said, but it was kind of a hard thing to hear him agree with, so I didn't say anything. I didn't know what to say that would make this any less rigid.

"Luke?" he asked after a moment, all straight lines and sharp corners.

"Hmm?" I hummed in response, fiddling with my hands in my lap.

"Throw out that bottle of aspirin." he said, demanded, more like, and I didn't have to hear it twice before I grabbed the bottle from the cabinet behind me and tossed it into the trash bin across the kitchen.

And once I had, he looked up at me with the universe in his eyes, and not the cosmic, mystifying way-more like an abyss. And my chest ached like I'd had the wind knocked out of me, but I didn't mention it, because surely, I didn't have the right to do so.

And he didn't say anything either, but I knew when he nodded at me what he was saying, and I smiled a little, and so did he.

He was running his middle finger in circles around the rim of the mug, when, what I could've only assumed to be his phone, started ringing. He pulled it out and checked the caller ID, and it wasn't anything special; not a smartphone or anything of the type, but it was enough to suffice for what he needed it for, I was sure.

"Lauren?" he asked in a worried tone. "Lauren, Lauren, sweetheart, calm down." he said, and if it weren't for the worry making sick in the pit of my stomach, I would've found it endearing.

He didn't speak for a minute and at that point even I was holding my breath.

"He-What?" he snapped then, and I could tell that he was reigning himself in and it really did worry me sick. He was cursing under his breath and running a hand through his hair as he jumped out of the seat and grabbed his coat. "Lauren, get Harry and go to my room, okay? Lock the door, I'll be over in ten minutes."